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Freshman Year Peak: I Escaped CAVA

Physical objects can’t constrain the ambition within us all.

This Bwogger is now a junior in Columbia College. She does not run out of ambulances anymore.

We left to go to EC, but then one of us got hungry, so we decided to go to JJ’s. Next thing I knew, one of my middle school friends threw up into a clear plastic garbage bag in JJ’s, while my other middle school friend cried next to her. I didn’t understand… why were we so drunk if we had only taken five shots? How had she managed to get a recycling bag? Where was my best friend?

I ran up to the John Jay lobby bathroom because I needed to throw up now too. I was in there for a while, until a public safety officer knocked on the door and told me to get out.

Now I sat in front of the John Jay lobby bathroom and puked into the corner – the garbage can was too far. I was drunk, but at least I was considerate of my fellow John Jay-ers. The front desk public safety person saw this as a cry for help and called 911 (note: not CAVA) on me.

“Weeeeeee!” I squealed with delight as they wheeled me out of John Jay on a stretcher. It had been a long time since somebody picked me up like this.

I didn’t plan for this to happen – it was an accident. I told the paramedic I couldn’t go to the hospital because I went to Columbia. He rudely responded “It doesn’t matter that you go to Columbia…You’re drunk.” I told him I went to Columbia again, and that it was my first year here which is why I couldn’t go to the hospital. Once again, he told me that it did not matter where I go to school – I was drunk.

“OKAY, WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO THEN?” That raspberry Smirnoff did things to me. Now he was silent. Columbia was obviously not his Alma Mater, because he did not respond – at least in this lifetime he didn’t. We sat in silence. I looked long and hard at the open back doors of the ambulance.

I have asthma, but for that night I was Usain Bolt. The October air was dark but welcoming, and I was so glad to leave that awful paramedic in the past. Most of all, I was glad I would not have to pay the $800 transportation fee to a hospital that was two blocks away. Those FDNY ambulances are no joke. I ran my short legs out to John Jay and was surprised that nobody chased after me. (The next day, a friend told me the paramedics chased after me with a stretcher as I entered John Jay.)

To my dismay, the stretchers awaited me at John Jay. I avoided them and tried to go straight to the public safety officer to give him my uni but the CAVA-ers interject. They started to ask me who the president was and what my name was. I whined that I wanted to go homeeeeeeee – but they didn’t listen. One of my friends from COÖP saw me and we took a selfie together – in it, I had puke on my cropped sweater and flaunted it. My glasses were crooked on my face, my makeup was cakey, and my foundation was much lighter than my actual skin tone. We messaged our COÖP group that I ran out of the ambulance and one of my COÖP leaders arrived in about 2 minutes. The CAVA people saw that I was in good hands and finally let me go up to my room. They returned my ID to me – it appears as though they held it hostage so that I wouldn’t run away from them again.

My COÖP family tucked me into bed and I slept safe and sound. I woke up at 5 am and… (if you want to know what happened to my friends leave a comment below).

Moral of the story: Don’t live in John Jay as a freshman – if you do, request a room change. Also – If you choose to drink — take half of the Solo Cup shot glasses from Dollar Tree – they are actually double shots.

Overpriced FDNY ambulance via Wikipedia

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