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How To Deal With The Problematic Friend You Made During NSOP

You’re four weeks into the semester. You’re settling into your classes, you’re growing closer to your friends, and for the first time since you arrived, Columbia is starting to feel like home. And then, you hear it. Not from the mouth of a stranger, not from a fifty-year-old white man browsing the aisles of Morton Williams, but from your brand new seemingly innocent friend: “but straight white men are the minority now”. Suddenly you feel faint, you start to lose your grip on reality and it takes everything in you not to vomit right there and then. Your new friend is problematic.

What your problematic NSOP friend probably looks like.

This may be an oddly specific dilemma, and you might not relate to this particular predicament at all, but if you do we are here to help. We have taken the time out of our busy schedules to craft this handy list of ways in which you can deal with your problematic friend.

  1. Move to the Scottish Highlands and become a hermit. This way you’ll never have to see them, plus you can start a lucrative business hand sewing kilts.
  2. Every time you know you’re going to see them, take a handful of laxatives thirty minutes before. This way you have a genuine excuse to avoid being in their presence.
  3. Permanently stuff your ears with cotton wool. This way you never have to listen to their terrible opinions.
  4. When you’re around them only speak in riddles. This way they won’t even want to be friends with you.
  5. Become a mime and demand silence at all times so that you can hone your craft. This way they won’t be able to speak and you’ll also become a brilliant mime and the world could always do with more mimes.
  6. When they start to voice a problematic view jump on the nearest table and start yodeling. This way you’ll overpower them with the magic of yodel and make new friends who share your love of the craft.
  7. Wear a birthday badge at all times. This way, you can make sure that your problematic friend doesn’t say anything questionable. On your birthday you make the rules.
  8. Where stilts instead of shoes. This way you’ll be too high to see or hear them.
  9. Never shower. This way, your body odor will simply kill them.
  10. Talk to them, explain why what they’re saying hurts you. Just kidding! They’ll never listen. Instead, fake your own death and frame them for your murder.

We’re afraid that’s all the sage advice we can offer. If none of the above works, we’re not sure what your next step should be. Maybe transfer to NYU?

your problematic nsop friend via Bwog Archives

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  • Joseph McCarthy says:

    @Joseph McCarthy Ah yes, let’s make sure to ostracize those with different viewpoints than ours.

    1. Anon says:

      @Anon this but unironically

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