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Campus Figures As Decorative Gourds

It’s finally fall. The weather is getting colder, daylight savings has begun, the leaves are changing colors, and the lights are starting to go up on the trees on college walk. But most importantly, the decorative gourds are coming out. “What does that mean?” you may ask. Well, at Bwog, decorative gourd season can only mean one thing: it’s time for some more of our world-famous “investigative journalism.” From the site that brought you comparisons of prominent Columbia and Barnard figures to cement mixers and even our very own fingers, we now bring to you campus figures as decorative gourds. (All of these photos were taken at the Farmers’ Market along 115th & Broadway! Support local businesses and get your own decorative/edible gourds and more on Thursdays and Sundays!)

PrezBo – Pumpkin

  • Big Man, Big Pumpkin
  • Only $10 – a steal, just like how PrezBo steals from student workers by busting unions
  • Pretty overrated
  • Unnecessarily stringy
  • Lots of things you can do with pumpkins, but everyone usually just carves them, kind of like how there are a lot of things PrezBo could be doing, but he usually doesn’t do any of them

President Beilock – Spaghetti Squash 

  • Doesn’t actually do what they advertise
  • Thinks they’re making a difference but really just like everything else
  • Only useful in combination with other things but only marginally
  • Also busts unions (yes, spaghetti squash is the gourd of fascists)
  • Kind of bland

Deantini – Butternut Squash

  • Everyone’s favorite
  • Very versatile
  • Always in students’ lives in the best way possible
  • Creamy
  • Not a pain
  • Likes to get in snowball fights on the lawns in front of Butler
  • Wants everyone to be having a good time (always)

Dean Kromm – Kabocha 

  • Boneless butternut squash except not really
  • Just makes everything worse
  • Actively contributes to stress culture
  • Wants to be everyone’s favorite so badly but doesn’t even come close
  • Green

DSpar – This

  • Literally no one knows what’s going on here
  • Where???
  • Very White
  • A lot to handle
  • Leaves Barnard to become president of Lincoln Center and then resigns after a year, the same vibe that these gourds give off
  • Goldman Sachs

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1 Comment

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Mayor Billy Blob Villain, Columbia alum, Big Bird with Turd in his Gourd

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