Too normal for Ferris

Resident Soylent drinker and Bwog Dad Andrew Chee feels that while the classic pizza options at Ferris are solid, their other “creative” flavors are…. questionable at best. Here are some possible flavors Ferris should consider serving.

Artichoke pizza

A clear nod to the NYC gem Artichoke Basille’s, this is a simple flavor that would be a definite hit. Grab some artichokes from the neighboring pasta station, add excessive amounts of whatever luxurious cheese Artichoke Basille’s uses and Columbia freshmen will soon be hitting the Freshman 50.

Pasta pizza

With the pasta station right next to the pizza station, this is an obvious option that is fairly ubiquitous at pizzerias, yet never seen at Ferris. Basil pesto sauce with some mozzarella and tomatoes from the salad bar would easily be a perennial favorite for generations to come. And although Ferris does not serve vodka sauce at their pasta station (not sure why not or even why John Jay does not serve it every day), they could easily borrow some from John Jay and top a pizza with some penne and vodka sauce. What could be more American than taking two separate dishes and creating a mouthwatering monstrosity?

Deep fried pizza

Just kidding, the objectively more American option would be deep-fried pizza. Everything deep fried is good, from chicken to pickles (don’t @ me) to ice cream. Why not simply deep fry the whole damn thing and wash it down with some beer? Fried Oreos would work perfectly as a topping, with the sweet chocolate balancing out the warm gooey cheese.

Spicy pizza

Ah, a spicy kick to go along with some tomato sauce and cheese. Instead of some generic hot sauce, which could be either spicy or sour, depending on the particular type of sauce you prefer, let’s add some spice in a more natural way. Raw onions and raw garlic will provide that punch of heat to your throat, while also giving your stomach and digestive tract a swift roundhouse kick. Extra points for being excused from speaking in your discussion sections after eating this, as everybody in your class will be begging for you to keep your mouth closed for the entire time.

yerrrrrrrrr

Baconeggncheese pizza

Hailing from Brooklyn, I feel violently sick if I do not consume at least one baconeggncheese a day (n.b. it is legally spelled as one word in New York City). Ergo, Ferris should start serving a baconeggncheese pizza, with hot sauce and ketchup, and a can of Arizona iced tea to wash it all down. If Columbia University in the City of New York wants to claim New York City so vehemently, they need to recognize the culture and give the people what they want!

Soylent pizza

For the purpose of breeding a superior, advanced race of human beings, we must evolve and move past the archaic practices of past millennia. There is no need for us to physically chew and eat food when we could simply drink all of the body’s required nutrients. Alas, I have not evolved yet, and my palette still craves nutritionally empty provisions. Thus I present to you: the Soylent pizza. This exciting collaboration would truly establish Columbia dining as a boundary-pushing leader, with each slice being baked in the original flavor of Soylent 2.0. A satisfyingly plain yet faintly sweet slice of pizza that provides me with 20% of my daily required vitamins and macronutrients? Count me in.

Holiday-themed pizzas:

While we are discussing possible pizza flavors for Ferris to try, why not get into the holiday spirit with some specially themed pizzas? Might I suggest:

Christmas pizza

Many things come to mind upon hearing the word “Christmas”. Perhaps the warmth of family and friends, or the joy of receiving gifts. Now imagine a pizza topped with mistletoe, eggnog, and reindeer hooves. I can already hear Dean Martin’s soothing voice in my ear and smell the sweet scents of wintery candles. Plus, reindeer hooves are proven to strengthen your bones and make you taller!

Lunar New Year pizza

I will never forget the first time I had pad thai at Ferris. As I eagerly waited in line at the action station, my exhilaration quickly turned to disgust as I was served some generic sort of noodles in a peculiar orange sauce, all served in a Chinese takeout box. I suppose since Columbia thinks pad thai just means something something Asian noodles, a Lunar New Year pizza would continue this trend perfectly! I propose a hearty mix of fortune cookies and red envelopes with cash inside, served inside a Chinese takeout box, of course. I would be delighted to celebrate my cultural heritage with vague prophecies and cold hard cash in every bite.

Easter pizza

Easter is a holiday dear to me and many others, invoking memories of painting intricate patterns on eggs and munching on chocolate eggs. As such, let’s bring the egg-citement to Columbia next spring! Painted eggs and chocolate eggs on pizza would be a fabulous pairing. The eggs need not even be cooked, as I definitely do not plan on breaking those gorgeous shells and delicate patterns; I intend to swallow those eggs whole.

Boring vanilla pizza flavor via Shutterstock

I’m a memelord via myself