Why does one of the dorms farthest from campus smell like a popular fast food restaurant? Staff writer Ezra Lerner has a theory.
A question that has plagued me since I first walked into the lobby of Harmony is “why does it smell like a McDonald’s?” (Don’t argue with me on this. If you don’t realize this is true, you’re either anosmic or lying to yourself.) The odor is especially weird when you consider that Harmony has no snack machine. The only thing there is a random soda machine that looks about 25 years old. So, the only logical conclusion is that there’s a secret McDonald’s in the basement, and the smell is wafting up. For those of who you claim that this theory does not make any sense, consider that Harmony has two toilets per floor. Nothing about this dorm makes sense. Ever.
So, the next question becomes: who is running this McDonald’s? It can’t be the Harmony students. Why would they buy food from themselves? It could be other students or faculty, but then why wouldn’t we know about it? As expensive as New York City rent is, it doesn’t make any sense to shut us out. So the only “people” that could run this organization aren’t actually people at all: they are rats! Iguanas would be the other natural choice, but it’s too cold for them.
I know what you’re thinking at this point: How do the rats organize themselves? I couldn’t stop asking myself this question, and then I realized the truth—they have a rat king who leads them. Leadership is key. Do I have to spell everything out for you people? And what’s this rat king’s name? That’s right… Reginald. We were all thinking it. What else would his name be— Kevin? Don’t be insane! Name one rat king you know named Kevin.
So the rats are running this secret McDonald’s under Harmony led by their king Reginald. But who are they catering to? The only people they could be catering to—the students who live in Harmony! God, wake up. But the question becomes “how is that enough?” There are, like, eight people in the entire building. The only way the rats have enough to turn a profit is that they sell to the family of the Harmony students. How come we haven’t heard about them? Reginald made them sign a blood pact. Before you call that crazy, please realize that he’s a RAT who runs a McDonald’s! He can do basically anything. Reginald probably has vampire fangs.
Now, you might remember a Bwog post earlier in the year about a rat cooking the food under Friedman’s. So why do we have TWO different posts about rats cooking food? The rats are working together! You really think they’d be stupid enough NOT to work together? Wake up sheeple! They are planning to take over the whole region. Bwog will keep covering this as the story develops, but for now, all we can say is if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.
Photo via Bwog Staff