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I’m Stuck In A Russian Doll Style Time Loop: Here Are All Of The Ways Columbia Has Killed Me

Inspired by the recent show Russian Doll, in which the universe conspires to kill the main character over and over again (even once in Le Monde), Managing Editor Zack Abrams enlisted the rest of Bwog’s staff to dream up the myriad of ways our beloved institution could slay us if it wished. 

You should watch the show Russian Doll. It’s got everything: a vagina door, a party that’s much cooler than anything on Frat Row, tooth brushing, bodega vomiting, a fuck-pile, and death. Lots and lots of death. In the show, the main character, Nadia, keeps dying and resetting back at the same party, with no one the wiser. It seems the universe has it out for her: she gets hit by a car, falls down the stairs, gets incinerated in a gas explosion… y’know, the average day in New York.

The show got me thinking: if the universe set about trying to kill me at Columbia, how would it go about its business? I enlisted the help of Bwog’s staff and we came up with the following:

  • Slipping and falling on the concrete the day after it rains or snows. Seriously these floors are death traps.
  • Getting steamrolled by the surprisingly aggressive snow cleaner vehicles
  • Getting lost in Schermerhorn, never to be seen again
  • The elevator cable snaps and you plummet down to the basement (could happen in any elevator on this campus, really)
  •  Falling over the railing in Dodge and getting trampled by a legion of sweaty men playing soccer
  • Getting run over by Prezbo’s Audi
  • Dying of a broken heart (after failing to secure an EC sign-in)
  • Dying of exhaustion after walking all the way to Carlton Arms
  • Getting hit by a stale dining hall bagel (read: brick) thrown out of the window of a nearby dining hall
  • Getting buried alive by a Butler stacks avalanche
  • Getting food poisoning but you don’t know which dining hall it came from so you just keep going back. (true story)

Le Monde? More like Le Mort via Netflix

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