Guest writer Elizabeth Meyer overheard some boys talking about an “inclusive fraternity” one morning at Ferris. What would that look like? Well here, she’ll explain it to you.

I’m all about Big Dick Energy. In high school, I made a short film with a bunch of art bros who wore their beanies rolled up so that they looked like condoms situated atop their heads and their keys on carabiners attached to their jeans. The first time I got high was with a group of boys who call themselves “The Wolfpack,” so when I heard the words “inclusive” and “fraternity” put together one morning while I was eating breakfast at Ferris, my first thought was, “When can I rush?”

The concept of Columbia’s very own inclusive frat was introduced to me by a CC Boi who looked like a teen father and opened his introduction with, “in retrospect, I wish I had gone to Barnard.” With an introduction like that, I could only think that this man “brother” might not be so bad after all.

Walking to class after my brief encounter with teen father CC Boi, I began to wonder: What would rushing an inclusive frat be like? These are some of the conclusions I have come to.

BDE

You might think BDE stands for ‘Big Dick Energy,’ but in the case of an inclusive frat, you are mistaken. While rushing an inclusive frat, you are debriefed on a number of inclusive acronyms that folks in the know prefer to use. BDE stands for Buddies Defending Elephants (the name of this inclusive frat’s philanthropy project). You will learn that FRAT actually stands for Friends Rallying Against Tonsillitis (because what inclusive fraternity stands for illnesses that make your throat hurt?) and BRO stands for Brothers Reminiscing Ozzy (the only songs played at Kombucha Keggers are Ozzy Osbourne deep cuts).

Everybody Gets a Polo Pony

It’s your childhood dream come true. Inclusive Frats are all about the redistribution of wealth, and Chad’s dad owns a polo pony farm. Everybody gets one.  

Inclusive Hazing

Because the hazing process weeds out potential pledges, inclusive frats are strictly against it—or against non-inclusive forms of hazing, at least. Instead of chugging a keg while locked in a 30 ℉ basement room while naked while doing one hundred pushups on your knuckles while shoving a raw onion up your butt, inclusive frats are more about sending postcards to elephants in need (see BDE) and going to Chad’s dad’s polo pony farm for an all-expenses-paid shopping spree at the nearby Vineyard Vines.

Knitting

Tight-knit brotherhood formed through tightly knit scarves.

Obligatory Kumbaya Circle

Because this is an inclusive frat, everybody needs to feel included, and the only way for everybody to feel included is to force all rushes to strip down to their Sperrys and join hands in a lovely rendition of “Kumbaya My Lord.”

Optional Wolfpack Howl

And if you feel your manliness is being questioned by singing “Kumbaya My Lord” in nothing but your Sperrys, there is always the option of joining your inclusive brothers in a naked midnight frolic through Central Park howling at the moon. This is called the “Wolfpack Howl,” a term borrowed from my testosterone-infused high school friends.

If I were to rush a frat, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, I would rush an inclusive frat because inclusive brotherhood is the BDE I need. I thought about rushing CC Boi’s inclusive frat—I really did—but then I thought, “Nah. Brotherhood, no matter how inclusive it might be, really just isn’t for me.”