Deputy Editor Vivian “Kill All Crustaceans” Zhou and GSSC Bureau Chief Andrew “Champion of the Land Creatures” Chee set out to recoup their tuition by consuming an inordinate amount of lobsters.
With the excessively high cost of tuition, it only makes sense to enjoy the events hosted on campus to the fullest. This includes forcibly enjoying unlimited lobsters to the point of noticeable discontent. Considering we were at Surf & Turf for the full three hours, let’s see if this gluttony was financially advantageous.
Of course, Surf & Turf served vegetables, potatoes, yawn… aka things you can eat at the dining hall for the most part. The tomatoes and mozzarella, while yummy, are literally at Ferris every single day.
Steaks were served, but they were well done, dry, and overall not worth eating. Might as well just pick up some steaks from Trader Zhou’s or even Mortonia, Province of Williamstown and cook it yourself. We ate one steak for the culture and called it a day.
Shrimp is just diet lobster. In an ideal world, there is no reason to eat shrimp over lobster. Ever.
Therefore, we will be calculating the value of our meal solely from the number of lobsters consumed.
Let’s assume that each lobster tail has a value of $20; lobster rolls tend to be $22+ and pasta can be anywhere above $20, depending on where you’re eating. Since these dishes usually use claw meat, which is more tender and flavorful, assigning a number on the lower end of the range is fair. Using restaurant prices is also more uniform than going by market prices, which can vary significantly depending on freshness, quality, etc.
We each had around fourteen (14) lobster tails and then stowed away about thirty (30) tails in Tupperware™ containers. Altogether, that’s a total value of $1160. Not bad for three hours of labored eating.
What can one buy for $1160?
If a latte at Joe’s is $5 per cup, you could purchase two hundred and thirty-two (232) lattes.
A stalk of celery is about $1.50, so you could purchase seven hundred and seventy-three (773) stalks. If one stalk has about fifteen (15) sticks of celery, that’s eleven thousand five hundred and ninety-five (11,595) sticks of celery.
GS students pay tuition per credit. For the 2018-2019 school year, one credit is $1822. So you are nowhere near closer to graduating.
One kiwi is about $0.75, so you could purchase one thousand five hundred and forty-six (1546) kiwis. Did you know kiwis are probably the closest thing to a superfood that is nutritionally viable for people of virtually all exercise levels and diets? One cup of kiwi provides about 273% of your daily recommended value of vitamin C, far surpassing the pathetic nutritional (and taste) profile of the meager orange.
One Powerball™ ticket with PowerPlay™ is $3, so you could buy three hundred and eighty-six (386) tickets, which raises your chance of winning the jackpot by a disappointingly negligible amount.
If you open up a Roth IRA and pay taxes today on your Lobsta Dollas at a tax rate of 40%, you will deposit $696. If you are 18 and let it compound untouched until you are 65, you will have $93,926.74 tax-free, assuming an interest rate of 11% and an inflation rate of 3%.
With $93,926.74, you could purchase sixty-two thousand six hundred and seventeen (62,617) stalks of celery, which gives you about nine hundred and thirty-nine thousand two hundred and sixty-seven (939,267) sticks of celery. Considering the amount of fiber in celery, you will most certainly possess the best bowel movements amongst all senior citizens. Of course, these figures are all assuming you do not return to Surf & Turf in subsequent years and repeat the process until you graduate.
Slaughtered lobsters via Andrew Chee