You can always count on us for your daily dose of completely truthful news.

Happening in the world: On Saturday, Pope Francis admitted that he is now worried about his job security after repeatedly bumping heads with the new God. The struggling pope said this new God was “riding [his] ass nonstop” “on everything from the divine revelation to the liturgical calendar”. Out of frustration, the pope also said he forwarded the new God’s resume to other leading faiths around the world.

Happening in the US: Consistent with his narrative to bring economic vitality back to the Rust Belt, President Trump inspiringly promised the humble municipality of Perrysburg, Ohio the return of their White Castle restaurant. He is currently speaking with Jeff Karper, the regional franchise manager of the chain restaurant, in adamant effort to make this vision a reality. Currently, the closest White Castle location to this Ohioan populace is nearly an hour drive away.

Happening in New York City: According to residents of the Upper East side, a local masochist dog named Ruggles takes immense pleasure in being walked around ass naked. These witnesses, who chose to remain anonymous, say that this French bulldog absolutely loves to be humiliated while being constricted by a leash. As a result of the dog’s everyday walks, the community is well aware of Ruggles’ twisted routine of demeaning himself in Central Park. We have yet to hear a public response from Mayor de Blasio.

Happening on campus: On 10am of Sunday morning, according to witnesses of the 4th floor of Milstein Library, an inconsiderate asshole settled their belongings in a personal study room. The room is purposed to seat a maximum of 9 people. The witnesses say “within minutes,” the culprit immediately got up to leave for “God knows what,” and that they did not return until nearly 8 hours later. They even added that when the delinquent arrived back in their seat around 6pm, they spent the entire time scrolling through their phone, instead of studying and “using the space like a responsible student”.

Song of the day: Vince Staples’ latest album, “FM!” was released back in November of 2018. This album feels the heat of Long Beach weather, and embraces the style of a music radio station. The versatile Kenny Beats helped immensely in the production of this album. Vince’s playful personality also pokes fun at radio personalities and tropes. The Californian, party sound raps of “FM!” also simultaneously feature the dark themes like avoiding death as a Black person in Long Beach. Give it a listen.

Pope Francis via Wikimedia.