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The Goodbye Tour: A Slutty Columbia Tradition

photo of me waving goodbye to anyone i’ve ever kissed before hopping on a train to gtfo

Get yours in before you leave campus, with zero consequences!

Look. Columbia has a hook up culture. We all know it. I’m a #empowered woman and I’m not afraid to admit it! But usually the small acreage of Columbia’s campus combined with the hellishness of life on this earth means that every joyous moment of sexual congress is immediately followed by one of embarrassment. You get stuck in a Carman elevator with someone you’ve known carnally. You run into them hungover and oily in the Ferris omelet line. You accidentally sit next to them in Ref. They switch into your MusicHum class. Things just get #weird – maybe it complicates your friendship, or just makes your whole life annoying. Even worse, maybe one of you catches feelings and you have to TALK about it.

But there’s a special way to escape those ramifications. It’s called: THE GOODBYE TOUR. Aka it’s when you hook up with a bunch of people in the frantic few weeks before everyone leaves campus. You hit it and quit it and then LEAVE for the summer, giving no time and / or space for any awkward occurrences.

Friends and family, now’s the time to release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin, etc. Slide into the DMs of that cute girl from your NSOP group. Text that guy you made out with once in the McBain stairwell. You are officially free from any emotional responsibilities or consequences.* If they try to define the relationship you can literally just leave the country! You are freeeeeeeee!!!!

Alternate names for this phenomenon: “Fuck and Run” (by Liz Phair), wham bam thank you ma’am (a la David Bowie), Escape From New York (1981), etc etc. Comment your own experiences below.

*note this is a JOKE please be nice to each other

Image of the author via Wikimedia

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  • as someone very experienced in this field can i just say says:

    @as someone very experienced in this field can i just say i worry sometimes that bwog is promoting unhealthy expectations for lifestyle/achievement. but then i see articles like this. thank you. #FUCKSPEC

  • barnard '19 says:

    @barnard '19 i have a personal story. one time i hooked up with a guy the night of move out (that’s right literally packed up my life went to 1020 found a man f*cked and hopped into the uber to JF mf K). but he literally texted me the DAY i got back on campus asking when i was free for a drink. three whole months to forget my ass and move on. men really dont quit. it’s amazing.

  • St. Augustine says:

    @St. Augustine *MUH PEEPEE EXPLOSION*

    Stop. I am sick and tired of this degeneracy.

    My one single wish is to be left to my own asexual devices, free from the thorned grip of perverse temptation, unclouded or swayed in my noble search for intellectual playthings of the mind, yet by your hand I am endlessly titillated by these vixens with their prodigious hips and provocative figures. Yet you continue to whisper sweet nothings in my ear!

    Life is a constant hell. I am floating in the blistering heat of my id’s vacuum, castrated and blinded by my wretched libido that you only seek to see me expel in sexual release, not sublime it into industry and great work!

    You write and cry how stressed you all are, yet you engage in the sin that begets your pathetic, meaningless existences. You write like a seething mindless blob that cannot contemplate life without your carnal release. You have no respect for the virtue of chastity. Your spirit is dim.

    Your sexual exploits have become merely the corpse of a habit that no longer instills pleasure, no longer even succeeds in distracting, but is only the dull libidinal twitch of a mind faced with the irrepressible impossibility of its reality, while lacking the courage to galvanize itself towards rectification. This is why you cry at night. Your egos are all decimated husks.

    You realize that you will never fill the spiritual void that fills you. Your metaphysical lesion will never be saved because you reject the Savior’s name.

    Reject the libido cult worship; find your salvation in Butler.

    Pathetic. Seek help. Go study (not fuck) in Butler.

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