Kind of like a ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’, but instead of pregnancy, it’s a guide to your anticipated crying sessions.

You’re a new incoming student worried as to what’s to come your first year. You’ve considered your packing list and you think you’ve got it all down. But have you considered the emotional baggage that comes, cost-free, with your College™ Freshman™ Experience™? Here’s a comprehensive and organized list of what you will probably cry about your first year at Barnumbia. Tested and proven.


I’m Baby (And that’s OK!):

You’ll cry because…

  • you miss your siblings/parents/high school friends/dogs
  • sometimes it feels like there’s no quiet place in New Yolk City and it’s always loud everywhere
  • you’re sick/injured and you have to take care of yourself and you don’t know how
  • you get too stoned and your mom sends you a picture of your dog and then you realize it’s a LIVE picture and you can’t handle it :(
  • of turtles, while eating lunch in John Jay, because you’re worried they get frustrated that they can’t move super well with their heavy shells
  • you just fell flat on your face in front of Low Beach

Inevitable School-related Breakdowns: 

You’ll cry because…

  • you got a less-than-favorable grade on something you spent way too little time on
  • you got a less-than-favorable grade on something you’ve spent way too much time on
  • it’s 4am and you just realized your essay doesn’t make any sense
  • your high school friends all seem to be thriving in their respective colleges while you’ve just failed an exam in an intro class
  • the school doesn’t pay for your art supplies
  • the dining hall gave you food poisoning twice and you’re still on the full meal plan
  • you’re in the Financial Aid office

Love and Sex Induced Cries:

You’ll cry because…

  • you realized you’re now emotionally, and fatally, attached to someone you ~just~ fucked
  • because your birth control is fucking with your hormones
  • you’re having a pregnancy scare
  • you decided to date someone the first week of school
  • you realize how emotionally unavailable a lot of people are

Humans Are Social Animals:

You’ll cry because…

  • you think your roommate hates you until you realize that you just don’t know each other at all
  • you may never again have a group of friends that vibes with you as well as your high school friends
  • having a single can be lonely, especially when you were used to having siblings around you 24/7
  • you’re drunk in your friend’s dorm room, but you forget the reason for it
  • your NSOP friends actually kinda suck
  • when you see your friends drunk for the first time, but you’re actually cry laughing
  • you have a friend-crush on someone

Some Existentialism, Some Soul-Searching: 

You’ll cry because…

  • you’re questioning your identity
  • you just want to let it all out on the subway
  • you realize you’re truly all alone in a giant city
  • because imposter syndrome
  • you’re happier than you ever were at home
  • you’re sadder than you ever were at home
  • you have no idea what you wanna do with your life !!!
  • you’ll realize that a certain section of your life is forever ended, and that this is the start of what was
  • you move out of your freshman dorm and realize that there is no escaping the curse that is the linear progression of time

With all things considered, you’re definitely going to mature emotionally after you cry about all or none of these things at Barnumbia. Crying is normal! Embrace it! Your first year won’t last as long as you think. Now go cry about that one.

Header via my edit of Richard Dawkins.