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ShowerHop @ Barnard

New Bwoggers Christina and Joanna team up to give you the cleanly content you didn’t even know you needed. Here are their unfettered takes on the highs and lows of Barnard showers.

As first years, one of the most terrifying adjustments to college is the fact that you will be showering in public bathrooms. Unfortunately, many of the showers lack the amenities that would define the comfort that we are so freely provided at home. But, the shower sees everyone at their most vulnerable. Bwog sees everyone at their most vulnerable. What if we….. write a Bwog article on showers…….haha just kidding……unless?

Introducing, shower hop @ Barnard!!

4th Floor Reid:

Since the Reid shower was two doors down from the room of one of the Bwoggers conducting this review, this was the first shower that she ever encountered at Barnard. Stepping into the back section, It’s like if there was a VIP corridor in a Wendy’s bathroom. Her first mistake was not turning the shower knob more than one full rotation. A rotation and a half were needed to turn on the hot water, which was a bit annoying. Upon looking back, she discovered a new shower buddy: a huge daddy long legs. This Bwogger stood in the sometimes lukewarm water, contemplating why her parents pay $10k a year for her to freeze my ass off. We’ve heard that there are benefits to showering in cold water — maybe this will be good for our skin and hair?

6th Floor Reid:

Our other Bwogger also has a special place in her heart for the Reid showers, as they were ~also~ the first showers she used at Barnard. Unfortunately for Reid 6, the only water temperature is COLD. Perfect for the newest holistic health craze and for discipline on par with the Shaolin monks’ waterfall meditation, these showers are often used as a last resort. Ignoring the undesirable water temperatures that would max out at “lukewarm” on the shower’s good days, the metal stall doors mean that there’s no mold to worry about and the easily-reachable and adjustable shower-head means that there is a relatively dry part of the floor to place your shower caddy.

2nd Floor Sulz:

Hot water was a welcome after three freezing Reid showers. The water pressure generated a slight breeze that will make you feel like you’re on the helm of a ship with the warm mist on your face. But, upon stepping into the shower, it felt like a power-wash (ow, nipples). The temperature would never stay the same, and the moment we put the handle towards hot, it would inextricably slip back down until the water was lukewarm. The one Bwogger out of our duo who reviewed the 2nd Floor Sulz shower stayed inside for a total of 5 minutes before her fragile body could no longer handle the tempest of the Sulz shower.

4th-floor Brooks:

The best part about a 2 pm shower? No one was there. The first thing we noticed about the Brooks bathroom was the nice, natural lighting (selfies maybe?). The first stall was pretty spacious, as there was ample leg and elbow room. But, if you look up mid-shower, there’s a mini door on the ceiling?? We felt as if Pennywise was going to pop out the moment we turned my back. However, this shower had the best water pressure and best water temperature so far. We truly felt like goldilocks when we discovered this perfect combination.

6th Floor Brooks:

The Bwogger reviewing Brooks’ 6th Floor shower (Christina) thought she had went to the 8th floor, she really did. Luckily, the other Bwogger in our duo (Joanna) had covered an 8th floor shower with her 8th-Floor Hewitt shower. However, this was another 1 am shower and she was lacking the brain-energy to climb up or down any stairs. We have to say, Brooks 6 showers are pretty nice. These showers are so large, it’s like having a personal lobby after stepping out from under the water. Hot water ✔ Steady water pressure ✔ Two shower hooks ✔ Ample space for a dry-ish shower caddy ✔ No curtain mold ✔ Minimal hair in the drain because they were all on the wall ✔

5th Floor Hewitt:

With our status as first-years, our Bwoggers had difficulty finding the Hewitt 5 shower. Very seldom do we wander down Hewitt halls with its wonky carpeting and pale yellow walls, as most first-years (a.k.a. your friends) populate the halls of Brooks, Sulz, and Reid. We nearly gave up and hopped the Brooks 5 shower instead, but it smelled like pee (a result of the rumored Brooks 5 ghost or a more living resident?), so we were motivated to thoroughly scrutinize the dull Hewitt walls again. We only found the bathroom after tailing an upperclasswoman. The ketchup and mustard combo coloring and the tiny claustrophobia-inducing walls were a bit of a turn-off, but the water was warm, the pressure was just right, and there were no mold nor ghosts. It’s easy to see why seasoned Barnard students would prefer this hall.

8th-floor Hewitt:

Ah yes, the elusive Hewitt, walking into the striped carpeted hallway felt like we were being transported to the Overbrook Hotel in The Shining. The ~spooky~ atmosphere was intensified by the fact that we chose to come here at 1:30 am. The shower itself was fine, water pressure and temperature were ok, similar to the Sulz showers. Again, the vibe of the bathroom was just unnerving and made us feel as if the Grady twins were going to pop out from behind the corner.

6th-floor Sulz :

We’ve only sampled the Women’s-only bathroom on Sulz 6 and that is and will remain, a one time deal. The curtains have eye-level mold (3rd stall), there’s a high probability of catching flashes of your neighbors through the two-centimeter cracks in the walls, and to quote a friend, the water pressure has the ability to “blow off nipples.” So despite the hot water and the giant gaps underneath the stalls that allow a graceful and convenient way to slide conditioner bottles to your shower buddy, catch us outside of the Sultz 6 showers.

7th-floor Sulz :

We arrived in the Sultz 7 Women-only bathroom at the extremely healthy time of 1 o’clock am. The Bwogger who took on Sulz 7 chose to hop the 2nd stall due to the fact that the 1st stall’s light was broken and was, therefore, highly suspicious, and the 3rd stall had a literal ocean on the floor because, according to a Sulz 7 resident, “everyone showers there.” Notwithstanding the eerie splashes of some sort of hair dye on its curtains, our brave Bwogger stripped butt-naked in stall two. To her despair, the door was missing its lock. She fled from the scene, leaving behind the sad lumps of hair in every shower and cute laminated signs put up by the RA that are, everything considered, ineffective.
Nevertheless, we found refuge in the gender-inclusive Sulz 7 showers. Our Bwogger walked into the first shower stall she saw, which was by chance, the largest! i.e spacious enough to contain two small water buffalo side-by-side. It was miraculous!!! There was hot water! We could adjust the pressure! And two!! Showerheads! We were in a good enough mood to even pick up hair from the drain (which was a foot of disgustingness! It wasn’t just our hair bro!!). A note to all residents: please don’t leave your hair behind in the shower. We will leave them as nasty gifts outside of your doors.


Joanna’s Shower Hop Winner: 4th floor Brooks
Christina’s Shower Hop Winner: 7th-floor Gender-Inclusive Sulz

Hopefully, our shower hopping adventures have provided a useful guide for first year Barnard students. Not only can residents decide the best place where they can shower, but where they can cry, have a panic attack, and eat pizza with our friendly neighborhood cockroaches. Overall, Barnard showers are decent. Yet, the sheer plethora of missing hooks, moldy curtains, flaking paint, and cold water on every floor makes one wonder what exactly Barnard is doing with their annual $10,826 room and board fees.

Sexy showers via Bwarchives

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1 Comment

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous This is funny! Good job, girls. But don’t take a shower so late.

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