Senior Staff Writer Henry Golub tells you whether it rained today.
Whether weather weathers weather, I do not know. But if free reins’ rain’s reins reign? Well, a cloud’s cloud clouds clods—like me.
Weather ®eporting is a touchy subject. Recent surveys have shown that only 39% of labradoodles believe weather media. And according to my own survey, 64% of humans refused to respond to my survey. If you ask someone about their preferred weather app, 64% of the time they’ll spit on your shoes and say, “Rain dance for me.”
Back in the day, meteorologists were our friends, because they didn’t exist. Nowadays, though, meteorologists are (behind entomologists) the most distrusted people in America.
This brings me to my main point. I want to create a form of weather reporting we can trust: weather recaps. Instead of forecasting, let’s look back and reflect on weather we’ve experienced. No more talk of satellites, radars or barometers. Let’s talk about how bad the “monsoon season” was yesterday, or how much we enjoyed seeing “El Niño” for the first time in five years.
A wise man once said, “Temperature is a state of mind.” That’s why I say: begin each day without a jacket and end each day regretting your choice.
Now for today’s weather, brought to you by 假的报告®.
Today was cool. I think it only got up to 63 degrees, but I own no thermometers, so I am not sure. My grandpa would probably say that it was cold, but I am not him, so I wouldn’t.
I remember growing up—how warm it was in the summer. And this summer. And spring. Both were very warm.
Right now it is cooling down, but my room is still warm.
Tea for the Weather Man via Public Domain Pictures.net