4 CommentsDo you have neighbors who have really loud sex, and who also happen to be assholes? Bwog is here to help.
Sometimes you have neighbors who have really loud sex. It’s common—even a college rite of passage—and hard to avoid in a thin-walled building full of 19-year-olds. Usually, it can be fixed with a gentle conversation or a passive-aggressive note. But what do you do when your neighbors are assholes, and your complaints only fuel their fire? What if they see loud sex as a right, and your lost sleep as not their problem? Inspired by real experiences with her shitty next-door neighbor, one Bwogger set out to find the answer. Here’s what she came up with.
- Call 911
- Ask them to be louder so you can masturbate to them
- Play Gregorian chant at full blast
- Every time they have sex, knock and slip an image of Danny DeVito’s naked, sweaty couch scene under the door
- Additionally: condition them to be aroused by Danny DeVito’s naked body (?)
- Buy 1500 live ladybugs from Amazon and release them under their door while they’re going
- Moan their names back at them but louder
- Blast The Fairly OddParents | Full Episodes | OFFICIAL Live Stream
- Take the phrases they say when they orgasm and work them into your regular conversations with them
- Call their mothers
- Hide a bluetooth speaker in their room; when they start up, play Pony by Ginuwine at max volume
- 🔪🔪🔪🔪 KILL THEM 🔪🔪🔪🔪
- Have the a capella people from my fucking stairwell come practice in your room at all hours of the night
- Move some chairs to block the door while they’re going so they’re trapped in there afterwards
- Have even louder sex
- Knock and ask what they’re talking about so loudly; express that you could hear them but couldn’t discern exactly what they were saying
- Slip a note under their door rating their sexual performance 1/10
- Record it every night and compile it into a single CD; send the CD to them for Christmas
- Set off the fire alarm
- Put on a Christian music radio station to instill in them a proper sense of shame
- Write a Bwog article about it, print it out, and slip it under their door
To my neighbor: as happy as I am that you have an active sex life, I’d rather not feel like I’m a part of it. Thanks in advance.
a touching gift from the guy next door via Bwogger
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4 Comments
@Anonymous thank u so much… im 11 and i really dont wanna hear this…
@Anonymous 100%! My neighbor that shares our backyard fence films herself naked and can be heard moaning and making pretty ridiculous exaggerated sex noises at all hours of the day and night….with the blinds and window wide open and a big bright light (i assume for filming). It’s embarrassing. There are several houses that have kids including theirs. They have a young kid that is outside by himself pretty often usually yelling, punching the fence, or antagonizing dogs through the fence. The whole thing is disgusting, upsetting, and I’m at a loss. I’m planning on moving and they are part of that choice
@ADM Wow! What about the freedom to be sexually expressive? I’m sorry the walls are paper thin and I can hear my neighbors bowel movements as well as they hear my partner and I occasionally getting it on. Is it really fair for me or others to contort their sexual expression to make strangers feel comfortable? How about they buy a white noise machine or put on a fan to cover up the noise. It’s ridiculous that as an adult I have to feel then need to sneak around in my own bedroom to make my asshole neighbors feel comfortable. I disagree with your stance and aggressiveness towards people engaging in a very natural activity. Which by the way most people engage in for a very limited amount of time anyways. Grow Up!
@ADMisStupid I think you missed the point of the article. When you’re that loud and share a space with other people, it’s a COMMON COURTESY issue. Stuff a sock in your mouth if you’re so loud.