Do you have neighbors who have really loud sex, and who also happen to be assholes? Bwog is here to help.

Sometimes you have neighbors who have really loud sex. It’s common—even a college rite of passage—and hard to avoid in a thin-walled building full of 19-year-olds. Usually, it can be fixed with a gentle conversation or a passive-aggressive note. But what do you do when your neighbors are assholes, and your complaints only fuel their fire? What if they see loud sex as a right, and your lost sleep as not their problem? Inspired by real experiences with her shitty next-door neighbor, one Bwogger set out to find the answer. Here’s what she came up with.

  • Call 911
  • Ask them to be louder so you can masturbate to them
  • Play Gregorian chant at full blast
  • Every time they have sex, knock and slip an image of Danny DeVito’s naked, sweaty couch scene under the door
  • Additionally: condition them to be aroused by Danny DeVito’s naked body (?)
  • Buy 1500 live ladybugs from Amazon and release them under their door while they’re going
  • Moan their names back at them but louder
  • Blast The Fairly OddParents | Full Episodes | OFFICIAL Live Stream
  • Take the phrases they say when they orgasm and work them into your regular conversations with them
  • Call their mothers
  • Hide a bluetooth speaker in their room; when they start up, play Pony by Ginuwine at max volume
  • 🔪🔪🔪🔪 KILL THEM 🔪🔪🔪🔪
  • Have the a capella people from my fucking stairwell come practice in your room at all hours of the night
  • Move some chairs to block the door while they’re going so they’re trapped in there afterwards
  • Have even louder sex
  • Knock and ask what they’re talking about so loudly; express that you could hear them but couldn’t discern exactly what they were saying
  • Slip a note under their door rating their sexual performance 1/10
  • Record it every night and compile it into a single CD; send the CD to them for Christmas
  • Set off the fire alarm
  • Put on a Christian music radio station to instill in them a proper sense of shame
  • Write a Bwog article about it, print it out, and slip it under their door

To my neighbor: as happy as I am that you have an active sex life, I’d rather not feel like I’m a part of it. Thanks in advance.

a touching gift from the guy next door via Bwogger