Menu CATEGORIES

Connect with us

CATEGORIES Menu
All Articles

I Was The Cockroach That Margaret Vandenburg Kicked Out Of Class And Honestly, What The Fuck

This Bwogger witnessed an epic faceoff in their Postmodernism class yesterday, which led them to question: if “blackberry” means “I love you,” what does kicking a cockroach out of a classroom mean? 

In the words of Billie Eilish: “When we all fall asleep where do we go?” I don’t know, Billie, but I will pose a different question: when the cockroach gets kicked out of class, where does it go?

The time was 2:00 pm. I was roaming around Milbank Hall, as we cockroaches do on the first day of classes. I went to the warmest, most humid classroom I could find and settled down in the front row, reaching in my backpack to retrieve my 0.5 mm Muji pen. Just as I finished writing “Postmodernism Class 1” at the top of my notebook, a gust of wind hit me from the left, causing me to fly across the room and land on my back. Typical. I began kicking my legs in a clockwise motion, hoping I would eventually garner enough momentum to flip myself over. Unfortunately, my efforts were fruitless. People began shuffling into class, some staring at me in horror and others offering a cursory glance. Finally, I thought as Professor Vandenburg entered the room. Her presence rattled me, as I was very excited to take her course.

My excitement turned to horror as she spotted me in the corner while handing out the syllabi.

“It appears we have a special student,” she remarked as she walked over to me. I chuckled and blushed at her recognition, assuming she would do the honors of flipping me upright so I could see myself back to my seat.

Unfortunately, quite the opposite occurred. I was forcibly removed from the classroom via a kick. Yes, Margaret Vandenburg kicked me out of class with her Doc Martens, and I am not okay.

To answer the question posed at the beginning of the story: cockroaches return to the showers in Brooks Hall when they are kicked out of class. Thank your professors for that.

The cockroach in question via Bwog Staff

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published.

 

2 Comments

  • nc says:

    @nc vandy > everything in existence

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous this is the funniest bwog article i have ever read, possibly ever

  • Have Your Say

    What should you actually Venmo people for?

    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

    Recent Comments

    Truly truly, I loved this piece. Keep up the good work! (read more)
    Recent Columbia Crushes That Bwog Will Be Taking The Liberty To Cancel
    February 22, 2020
    not online unfortunately (read more)
    Review: Bold Beautiful Barnard Underwear
    February 22, 2020
    It’s being renovated. You will survive. (read more)
    ConspiracyBwog: The Pupin Elevator is a Portal to Hell
    February 22, 2020
    or maybe don’t be annoying? just a thought (read more)
    To Whoever Just Shushed Me On Milstein 2
    February 21, 2020

    Comment Policy

    The purpose of Bwog’s comment section is to facilitate honest and open discussion between members of the Columbia community. We encourage commenters to take advantage of—without abusing—the opportunity to engage in anonymous critical dialogue with other community members. A comment may be moderated if it contains:
    • A slur—defined as a pejorative derogatory phrase—based on ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, or spiritual belief
    • Hate speech
    • Unauthorized use of a person’s identity
    • Personal information about an individual
    • Baseless personal attacks on specific individuals
    • Spam or self-promotion
    • Copyright infringement
    • Libel