We’ve all been there.

Maybe you were walking behind them and knew you couldn’t make a full 180° turn without revealing your shame. Maybe you were already inside the elevator waiting for the door to close, and they trotted in at the last second. Regardless of the circumstance, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Luckily, Bwog is here with small-talk pointers and avoidance strategies to add to your skills toolbox.

• Pretend that you joined a pyramid scheme and try to sell them a “miracle vitamin”
• Invite them to Mel’s to grab a burger later. You guys said you were still going to be friends, right?
• Crouch down and re-tie your Dr. Martens. 
• If you’re in the Pupin elevator, abandon all shame and ask them to hold your hand. The Pupin elevator is a portal to hell.
• Bury your nose in your phone and answer every text you’ve been ignoring for the past week.
• Swivel your backpack to the front of your body. Begin rearranging your books in the most arbitrary way.
• Be quiet and let them do all the work. For once.
• Ask if they miss you.
• Make small talk but make your words extra long to kill as much time as possible. “Heeyyyyyyyyyyy. How are youuuu doinnnn on thiiis suuuuper cooooool weeeedddddnnnneeeeesssddaayyyyyy?”
• Act pensive. Pinch the bridge of your nose and furrow your brow. Look up at the ceiling and draw numbers in the air with your finger. Look sideways and pretend to count. Whatever you have to do to appear as if you’re far too busy to converse right now.
• Start singing the first song you guys ever made love to. Yikes.
• Don’t do anything. Just stand there and stare at the floor. Life is meaningless anyway why should you have to talk to them?
• Ask them about all the specific things you only know because they’re your ex. Ask about their French final grade from last semester, their roommate’s mysterious rash, how their dog is doing (on a first name basis), whatever it takes to emphasize that you KNOW know them.
• Close your eyes and pretend to be napping.
• Tell them a mundane story in way too much detail. Them: how are you? You: I’m great. Although. Yesterday I had to leave my dorm at 8:57 instead of 8:55 because when I put on my green socks that have that blue trim… yada yada yada
• Press the button for the next floor up and dip early. 
• Pretend you have Laryngitis.
• Ask if they’ve done anything recently that was embarrassing. Life is just a sequential chain of embarrassing yourself, right?
• Ask them what they had for lunch yesterday. Since we’re all busy college students, we can’t remember anything that happened beyond three hours ago. It will take them at least 5 flights to mentally retrace their steps and figure it out.
• Honestly you could try being friendly. 
• Pretend to be Jade West and purse your lips judgmentally and gaze off into the distance with fury in your eyes
• When they get on the elevator, you get off. 
• Throw your phone directly into the ground. Forcefully enough so it breaks. They can help you pick up the shattered glass.
• Kiss them for old time’s sake.

Cover photo from Bwog archives