Just because Bacchanal as we know it isn’t happening doesn’t mean you can’t throw your own unofficial, individual, socially-distanced Bacchanal from the comfort of your own home. Don’t know where to start? Here are ten tips.

Today on Earth 2, most Columbia students are somewhere on Frat Row or in EC, dressed in Coachella-chic, overindulging in bagels and booze, getting absolutely hyped to head to the laws to see 100 gecs and Gucci Mane tear College Walk up. (Yeah, that’s right. On this ideal planet, no one would be forced to have to choose between hearing great music at a far away venue and hanging out in the grass. Take note, Bacchanal Committee). Unfortunately, though, we are all stuck on Earth 1, where a pandemic has forced us to stay indoors, engage in social distancing, move all classes onto an online platform, and, alas, miss out on this year’s Bacchanal festivities.

But worry not! Even if you are stuck indoors, with no company other than perhaps a few family members and a pet or two, there are steps that you can take to simulate the full Bacchanal experience in the comfort of your own home! It won’t be exactly the same, but it’ll be a thrill nonetheless. To quote Gucci Mane, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade! (I think that’s how his song “Lemonade” goes. It’s been awhile.)

1. Get dressed up just as you would if Bacchanal were really happening! Who cares that you haven’t left home in two weeks, won’t be leaving home today, and don’t know when you’ll leave home again? Put that tank top and that fanny pack ON!

2. Go to GrubHub or DoorDash or Postmates. Find the nearest bagel provider. Order as many bagels as the app will allow you too, ideally between 50 and 60. In the additional notes section, write something indecipherable, since, with this being Bacchanal, you’re probably already drunk. Eat as many bagels as you can. Trust us: It’s for your own good.

3. Go find the stuffed animals from your childhood and turn your bedroom into your very own frat house! Go to your kitchen and make jungle juice with whatever you can find—wine, vodka, orange juice, creamer, eggs, soup, milk, canned vegetables, beans. As gross as that may sound, I’m sure it tastes better than anything you’d find at your frat of choice. Blast some shitty early 2010s pop so your drunk self can vibe in a sea of middle-school nostalgia. As you’re vibing and your teddy bears are bumping and grinding, absolutely trash the place to really get the full effect.

4. When you’re done in there, head on out to the venue: your living room. When your family members walk by to see what you’re doing, go up to them and embrace them in a hug that lasts for a little too long, tell that you’re sorry you haven’t seen them in a long time, that you’ve been swamped with work, and that you’re dying to catch up over coffee or a meal sometime soon. Then don’t follow through with actually making those plans.

5. Head to the kitchen and turn on the garbage disposal and a blender. Start banging some pots and pans. Get your dog or other pet to start barking uncontrollably. Demand that one of your family members start berating you by calling you a “little piss baby.” Congrats! You have essentially formed your very own 100 gecs cover band.

6. Open your streaming service of choice and put on a sick hip-hop beat. Pre-record yourself shouting one-syllable nonsense words (e.g., “Burrrrr!”) to a somewhat steady rhythm. Play it alongside the hip-hop beat. Wow! It’s almost like Gucci Mane is performing right in front of your couch!

7. When the show gets a little bit too intense, walk outside and sit in your yard for a little while. When someone comes to check on you, just give them a little nod before totally zoning out once again.

8. Start FaceTiming all of your friends and telling them how much you love them and how beautiful they are. You’d probably be doing exactly this if you were actually at Bacchanal.

9. Find a stuffed animal and bring it outside. Start making out with the stuffed animal intensely and sloppily in front of all the other stuffed animals. After today, you’ll end up running into this stuffed animal constantly and it’ll be the worst. Whenever you see this stuffed animal on the way to the bathroom or near the dinner table, you’ll be forced to engage in weird small talk about the weather. It’s going to be the worst.

10. Head to your bedroom at 6:00 p.m. and go to sleep. It’s been a long day. You deserve some rest.

image via Bwog archives