Wondering what the future brings to your sign? Wanting to feel seen? Scrolling through Bwog mid-lecture, bored out of your mind? Then enjoy these very well researched and very real horoscopes!


Barnard Capricorns invented the four-year course plan: your master spreadsheet lists every major requirement, upperclassman recommendation, and professor’s average CULPA rating—color-coded by semester. People often ask you to explain Foundations. You do have a bit of a “finance snake” reputation, but it’s not your fault you’re so good with money! Good luck surviving next year without your daily iced coffee from Liz’s.


You’re the sort of mad genius who shakes ideas loose in the shower—maybe even the icy Reid shower if you’re that desperate to stay awake. You either have no plans or have quadruple booked yourself for the night. You are in the most obscure clubs on campus and you thrive in them! You have probably gone through at least one extreme hair transformation, which you pulled off, of course.


Creative and sensitive, you despise busy work and definitely took a religion or medieval poetry class. You probably love the green chairs in Milstein although they screw up your back. You’re not as squishy as you first seem; you hold yourself and others to a strict moral code. Don’t be afraid to lighten your course load this year so you can keep up your great work raising awareness for your chosen causes!


You texted first in the NSOP group chat; you befriended your RA almost immediately. Helpful, because your new friends were way too loud that first night coming back from some Welcome Week event. Whether you spent your nights at 1020 or your days at the Met (probably both, honestly), this year’s reduced social activity will be difficult for you. Make sure you set up weekly calls or socially-distanced hangouts with friends. You already have? Of course.


Barnard Taureans are no-frills when it comes to food (pasta and chocolate, anyone?), but always meticulously arrange the coziest dorm rooms and follow the coolest art accounts. You look effortless frollicking in the lawns or during any Zoom lectures. You probably have scheduled breaks into your course planning, which is impressive as hell. This year, friends will rely on your calm, realistic outlook to guide them through the storm.


You probably have “Barnyard” in your Insta bio, six minors you can’t decide between, and a deeper-than-usual connection to the hustle and bustle of city life. No one ever knows where you are, your schedule is an absolute mystery to your friends. Will show up with a new tattoo at 3am. You frequently poster and/or comment on Columbia Confessions. You either have one crush per class or none at all.


Barnard’s Cancerians frequent the Broadway farmers’ market and adore acoustic acts at Postcrypt. You find studying at Butler or weekend-night JJ’s overwhelming. You definitely have one too many tote bags and the cleanest room of all. Probably cried during Commencement and calls your first-year roommate your “bestie”. This semester, get a penpal! You were born to write emotional letters. 


Contrary to popular belief, not every Leo is a party animal or spotlight-seeker. Your easy, approachable magnetism turns classmates and hallmates into friends faster than you can say “Roaree.” You dream of being scouted as a model after a College Walk photoshoot. You probably raise your hand to answer every question during large lectures or show up 20 minutes late, holding a frappuccino. Yes, even in Zoom lectures. 


You can find Barnard Virgos exercising outdoors, hosting all the movie/game/wine nights, and journaling; they probably also consider walking to the Milstein bathroom a proper study break. Also, you don’t get paid enough for your class notes. They deserve their own agency deal. You own an incredible amount of colorful pens and nice notebooks. Your schedule is actually terrifying, when do you even sleep? Or do you sleep?


Libra students are often Barnard’s most supportive club members, genuinely enjoying weekly meetings and always suggesting “team bonding” events just because. You buy too much decor for your dorm room, but it’s okay, it looks straight out of a dream. Shopping week is literally your favorite time of year. You had to be talked out of taking 21 credits during your first-year fall.


You traverse campus with music blasting in your oversized headphones; on a Friday night, you’re either wasted halfway through the pregame or writing poetry on the steps of the Philosophy building. Look at you, you mysterious person! You know everyone on campus by name, but no one can tell when you met. You know more about New York then native New Yorkers. Your glare is all it takes to shut down annoying side conversations in class.


You made 5 best friends in the first 20 minutes of NSOP. You threw up after every party you’ve been at. You’re friends probably always hit you up first, cause they know you are always down for some 2 am JJ’s or an impromptu party. You took one philosophy class and now you won’t shut up about it. By now, you probably know all the 1 stops in order. To stay sane at home this semester, find a new hobby! Start biking or crocheting or making zines, it will help with your restlessness.

12 friends hanging out via Wikimedia Commons