Fret not, freshpeople who didn’t make it to campus: Sydney Contreras is here to help you recreate the oh-so formative first-year crying experiences that make and break your spirit!

Crying silently in the back of a lecture hall:

Cry in the middle of your Zoom class, but leave both your camera and mic on for the duration of the crying episode. Every time your professor mutes you, unmute yourself again.

Crying not-so-silently in front of your new roommates:

Go on Omegle. Connect with a random stranger. Acquire their contact information somehow. As soon as you video chat, start crying. They will probably hang up. Message them convincing them that you are totally fine and that it will never happen again. Arrange another video chat. Start crying again. (Rinse and repeat.)

Crying in a stairwell (because you are, in fact, the main character):

Find the absolute dirtiest part of your home. Text your housemates to make sure that they will be walking through this area frequently. Instruct them to ignore you as they walk through this area. Sit down, and begin sobbing. When your housemates walk by, refuse to make eye contact or acknowledge their existence in any way whatsoever.

Crying in JJ’s:

Blast a playlist of early 2000s bops. Turn on at least 3 screens in your household playing the news, a sports game you don’t understand, and a PG movie of some kind respectively. Eat dinner with your housemates. Now, put in earbuds and listen to your Spotify crying playlist of choice. Cry, and scroll through social media, never once lifting your eyes from your place setting. 

Crying while walking back from an EC party:

Get dressed up in a party-going outfit, then jump around or work out for approximately 45 minutes. Once you’re nice and sweaty and you look sufficiently wrecked, go outside; for best results, this should be done in the middle of the night. Walk around crying and shivering for a few minutes.

Alternatively, crying during an EC party:

Locate a supply closet or some other such small, cramped space. Turn on a humidifier, and blast Billboard’s Hot 100 Chart. Bring in a red Solo cup filled with your drink of choice. Cry. To be truly authentic, convince a housemate to enter the cramped space with you; start dancing wildly instead of answering their questions if they ask what’s wrong with you

Crying over Facetime to your parents:

This one, thankfully, is doable no matter where you are thanks to the wonders of ~technology.~ Even if you live with your parents, all you have to do is go to another room of the house. Sure, they’ll be confused as to why you’re Facetiming them from one room over, but that confusion and concern just make the experience all the more authentic.

Crying in the communal bathroom:

When one of your housemates says they need to use the restroom, insist that you need to use it first. Cry in there for as long as you need to, no matter how many times they pound on the door.

You don’t have to miss out on a year of critical self-discovery and identity crises just because you’re stuck away from campus! Just try Bwog’s quick and easy crying tips.

Reid bathroom via Bwog Archives