The SAT and ACT suck. They have problematic histories and are not good metrics of students’ qualifications. Because of the pandemic, Columbia and Barnard have temporarily seen the light and gone test-optional. But with no test scores required, how should Columbia and Barnard choose whom to admit? Bwog Staff has some ideas:
-Pick names out of a hat until all available slots are filled.
-Use a random word generator. Write down the first two results. Students whose full names use the majority of the letters in those two random words will be admitted.
-A Hunger Games style lottery
-Only students who mention their grandmothers in their college essays
Evaluate If They Have What It Takes To Attend CU:
-Call all students in the middle of the night. Whoever picks up the phone has demonstrated true commitment and is now a member of the CU community.
-Hold a cry off: Every applicant is given a bucket and an hour to cry into it. The students who fill their buckets can attend.
-All applicants are forced to squish roaches in Hartley for exactly 60 seconds. Students who squish the most roaches and show no fear have earned their spot.
-Move the swim test from a graduation requirement to an admissions requirement.
Test Their Skills:
-Make them interpret PrezBo’s emails. If they succeed, they get in (and then they can translate the emails for me).
-Have a bluff off. Whoever can most convincingly spew BS for the longest will thrive in Lit Hum and has talent (but also is probably really annoying).
-Make them navigate their way across NYC with no map or cellphone. If you can get from Staten Island to Low Library before nightfall, you’re a real New Yorker and a Columbia admit.
-Host a speed reading competition as Roar, Lion, Roar is sung by a gaggle of drunk students. I’m not sure what skill this takes—I just want to be a fool in front of a bunch of scared prospective students.
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