Public static main void string args. If you saw Bwoggers Brigid Cromwell and Sydney Contreras doodling all over their Intro to Java and Computing in Context finals, no you didn’t.

Yes, I studied computer science at Columbia University in the city of New York. No, I will not elaborate on that further. So what if my degree is from Barnard College and it’s in English Literature. As far as anyone I meet at a cocktail party knows, I am Bill Gates.  

Women in STEM. It’s catchy, it’s empowering, it’s Michelle Obama-esque. The “it” girl is in STEM, and I want to be trendy! Data analytics? I have the app that shows me who unfollowed me on Instagram. Javascript? I know a boolean operation or two. Turing machines flinch at the sight of me. Hell, I’ve even coded my own game of Poker in Adam Cannon’s coveted Intro to Java class. I am untouchable!

Some of my closest friends refer to me as a gamer girl. I’ve played Club Penguin rewritten—I appreciate vintage video games. Speaking of Club Penguin, I frequent the coffee shop where I specialize in the game Bean Counters. Beans → coffee → java. Sound familiar?  

I’m trilingual actually. English, javascript, and bullshit. (Actually, I’m a polyglot if you count the WordPress proficiency that I flex on my resume.) I understand the jokes those Computer Science kids make—I might even chuckle and comment, “So true!! [insert laughing emoji] [insert skull emoji]” just so the whole Internet knows that I, too, got the reference.  

I’ve toyed with the idea of Python, but it’s just too simplistic for my taste. Any experienced coder knows that the big dogs run with Java. 1s, 0s, www, and https run through my mind while I lie down to rest at night. Oh, the sweet nothings of computer science. 

All I’m saying is English majors can pretend to be Computer Science majors, but Computer Science majors don’t have the range to pretend to be English majors… (Do with that information what you will.)

So Mark, Bill, Google, Jeff Bezos, and all of Silicon Valley, if you’re reading this, my LinkedIn DMs are open. You can take the girl out of the CS class, but you can’t take the CS out of the girl. 

Image via Bwog Staff