In an alternate universe where Columbia students meet organically and begin beautiful, consistent romances based on mutual interests and not Bumble profiles, this is how it happens.

A Hot Beverage Honey

It’s a Saturday morning: you’re staring into space and listening to the steady hum of the espresso machine at Liz’s place. Someone says something indistinct and you look over to see a new coffee on the counter, so you reach for it absentmindedly. Suddenly, your hand meets someone else’s. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this was mine!” they chuckle charmingly as they hand you the steaming cup. 

— You live happily ever after and they make you coffee every morning.

A Butler Beau

It’s the end of another long day during reading week. You’re lumbering through the Butler stacks carrying five books you failed to read. You feel your phone vibrate and try to reach it in your back pocket, causing your would-be readings to tumble all over the place. You huff in frustration and lean over, preparing to pick them up, when a beautiful stranger appears in front of you offering help. They carry your books to the circulation desk as you walk together, commiserating about study struggles, and they ask if you want to work together the next day.

— You pass your finals and eventually get married.

A Cancellation Crush

It’s a chaotic Thursday afternoon and you’re rushing to your 2:40 on the fifth floor of Hamilton. You arrive in the nick of time, sweat dripping from your brow, only to find a completely empty classroom. You’re double checking your watch in confusion when you hear the door open behind you: it’s your class crush. 

“So, I guess we missed an email?” you say with a nervous laugh. 

“It looks that way, doesn’t it?” they reply. “It seems like a shame to waste the space though, the libraries are always so full this time of day. Besides, we’ve never gotten a chance to work together!”

— You hit it off and spend the entire lecture time talking. You now have four children together.

A Low Beach Lover

It’s the first warm day of spring and Low beach is packed with laughing friend groups, screaming children, and stressed, single students attempting to do homework. You’re one of the latter today, leafing through an 80-page sociology text that couldn’t be any more dense if it tried. A sudden gust of wind picks up some of your loose pages, sending Marx and Engels aimlessly drifting down the steps. You jump up to chase them but before you can lift a finger, someone you’ve never seen before is jumping to catch the last missing page. They look up at you and wave the papers in the air. “I think you dropped these!” 

— You don’t get any reading done that day, but you meet your soulmate instead.

Hand Holding Via Wikimedia Commons