Just in case you were thinking about re-entering the dating scene, don’t. 

Everyone has their imaginary perfect NYC date. The scenario you revisit every time you see a hot person reading on the subway. Or a hot person anywhere. However, as has become all too clear, our lives are not actually romantic comedies. And there are some dates, some dates that you need to be emotionally prepared for in the NYC dating scene. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, they are bad. Bad to the point that you feel the need to give up on dating and move to a remote Greek island where you will live out your days herding goats and or owning seven cats. But hopefully, this article will prepare you enough that you only move to a different state not out of the country. 

Without further ado: the top five worst NYC dates. 

5. Times Square

Nothing quite says romance is dead like wading your way through ten thousand tourists (pre-COVID of course). No need for cologne, the natural musk of trash and sweat, mixed with a healthy dosage of native new yorker hatred will be enough to secure you another date. Stop by Guy Fieri’s all American restaurant for a night of romance and fine dining. Nothing says “take me to flavortown” like Guy Fieri. 

4. A romantic Central park walk, in the snow 

Yea sure, in every single Netflix rom com the snow is somehow warm. Spoiler alert it’s not in New York. And in a very real sense, there is slush everywhere and unless you are wearing industrial rubber boots your entire foot will fall prey to the dirty sewer water slush. And you will scream, in your date’s ear. If you just can’t bear the night to end, the fun continuum to the date will be accompanying your partner to the ER to get the frostbite in their toes manually removed. Who knew cold could be so hot? 

3. Running through the Washington Square Park Fountain 

Fun? Yes. Spontaneous? Hell yea. Gonorrhea? Abso-fucking-lutely. 

2. Cook them dinner, but make it Ratatouille by picking up a rat on the subway 

We’ve all been seeing quite a bit about the Ratatouille musical lately. If you really want to impress them and show them that you are up to their TikTok standards, Ratatouille is the way to go. Fortunately, we have an abundance of rats in this city, so take your pick. Bring them upstairs into your apartment. Let them loose in the apartment. Put down glue traps. Realize that you can’t dispose of the rat because you have become emotionally attached. Use olive oil to detach the rat from the glue trap and re-release it, coming to the realization that Gustavo was wrong: not everyone SHOULD cook. 

1. COVID Test 

The swab, the fluorescent lights, the hand sanitizer. Nothing says commitment like knowing that you and your partner can quarantine for months on end together. As we face the possibility of another lockdown, grab the person closest to you, and kidnap them bring them into heart and home, forever. (Or at least until that vaccine exists, but at that point, they have Stockholm syndrome, and you are married). 

Image via Bwog Archives