Please don’t judge me, I’m doing my best.

Due to the pandemic and the ~unprecedented times~ we live in, I’m living on my own for the first time. Being a student, holding multiple jobs, attempting to stay in contact with friends, and general activities associated with being a human being take up so much time, and as midterms hit, I found myself taking a blind eye to contents of my fridge. As the material I am about to share with you all is a fairly poor reflection of my mental health and executive functioning, the following post is written anonymously, but if my mom recognizes my apartment from the photos, she is wrong and it’s not me. Fair warning, the content below is ~gross and bad~, not for the faint of stomach.

Ghost Pineapple

The sell by date of this was October 22, a full 27 days ago. For some unknown reason, the pineapple decided it was “going ghost” à la Danny Phantom, and has lost all color. I’m very concerned.
Smell: 7/10, not that bad, sorta smelt like watered down jungle juice from a frat basement.
Wetness: 2/10, not sure where all this liquid came from. Not a fan.
Would I eat it: I mean, probably. It’s fruit! I think it’s fine.

Milk

If I remember correctly, I think I got this carton of milk around the time of NSOP, which would explain why it expired in late-mid October. I used it to make scrambled eggs back when I cared about my health and was making an honest attempt to be an adult that eats real food, that phase is long gone.
Smell: 5/10. I mean it was bad, but for expired milk, I expected much worse.
Bubblyness: 3.25/10. For some reason, when I poured it down the. sink, there were a lot of bubbles. I hated that.
Color: 8/10, it was a nice cream tone! Very peaceful/soothing!
Would I drink it: I mean, I thought about it, but then the entire blog yelled at me and I always succumb to peer pressure.

Brie Cheese

I got this cheese on the same trip to Trader Joe’s where the above milk carton originated from, so I felt it only fitting that these two long-term buds appeared here together.
Smell: 1/10, it was real bad. Imagine toe jam, but worse.
Color: 9/10. Honestly, I was inspired by the many rancid hues that appeared on this cheese, this color palette would make for a sick monochrome outfit.
Would I eat it: Ok, like: isn’t cheese like supposed to be old and aged like wine? Aren’t there fancy cheese people in France or whatever who have cheese that’s older than my grandmother and sold for billions of dollars? I probably could have eaten this, but I threw it out anyway :/

Burrito

I don’t remember exactly when I ordered this burrito, but if I had to carbon date it, I’d say about two to three months ago. Interestingly, the extended time in the fridge made this fine piece of cuisine be as hard as a rock, and did not break, spill, or change shape after repeated slamming on the table.
Smell: 5/10. Honestly can’t remember, which means either it was fine or it was so horrible I repressed the memory down deep.
Versatility: 11/10. As mentioned prior, I basically created a fun paperweight out of this burrito. I could have used it for so many activities, such as and including baseball, to protect my property from danger, heavy lifting, an anchor for my large collection of seafaring vessels. I regret throwing it away.
Would I eat it: I still don’t have a dentist in the city and I worry deeply about the stability of my teeth, so unfortunately not :(

Meal-prepped Spaghetti with Chicken in Vodka Sauce

There was a period of time (read: like a day at the start of October) where I was hit with sudden put-together-Pintrest-mom energy and thought it would be a good idea to meal prep. I made some yummy yummy pasta with chicken in vodka sauce, and it was so good, I basically ate all of it and had maybe half a serving left to store for later.
Smell: -54638e248524Lx19/10, this is a large part of the reason I haven’t cleaned out my fridge because it smells so bad whenever I open the fridge. In fact, I still haven’t worked up the courage to have throw it away and clean out the dish and suffer long term exposure to the stench, so it’s sill taking up a bunch of space in my fridge. Picture rotting pigeon carcasses burning over hot coals of subway stench, and it’s still not even 1% as bad as this is.
Texture: 2.3/10. There’s just so much going on here, between the gloopy spaghetti, stringy chicken, and soft tomato chunks. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable, as does thinking about it now.
Would I eat it: If I was offered a large sum of money in exchange to let a bite of this enter the holy temple that is my body, I’d probably do it. #noragrets

Sweet and Sticky Cauliflower

Ok, this one was so bad I couldn’t even get a picture of it in the container before throwing it out as I think it is potentially biohazardous material that presented a clear and present danger to my health. It was birthed around Halloweekend, and was hiding in the back of my fridge so it escaped my detection to be transferred to my hungry and eager tummy until it was too late. Just thinking about it is incredibly emotionally distressing, so I’m going to skip rating it for my own sake.

In summary and in summation, uhhhhhh?
Surprised you made it to the end of this article, and I’m sorry you had to read this. ttyl!

Fridge that is probably a lot cleaner than mine via Bwog Archives
Toxic combinations of atoms that could technically be considered “food” via the author