Bwoggers leak copy of the new Undergraduate tour script, updated for 2021 and beyond, where fun is a state of mind.

Hi Kids! Hey Parents! So glad you could join us on this super fun, super COVID-safe 2021 Columbia tour! Now for all of you cool kids, make sure you keep an eye behind me and let me know if I’m walking into or near anything ok? Ok! Make sure you stay socially distant from your fellow hyper-anxious juniors from across the country; we’re in for a real ride.

Now we are going to start off this beautiful tour of campus with our lovely tree-lined path. You know, during the normal years we have this gorgeous tree lighting ceremony that I was so sad to miss this year… my final year of college… I’ll never see it again…. Except in the 500 obligatory Instagram posts that come each December from every Columbia student and alumnus. When we’re still virtual next December, maybe you can photoshop yourself into a stock image to join in on this beloved tradition! 

If you want to take in the glorious January in NYC weather, you can hang out here to my left on Low Steps, where you can see a thin layer of ice attaching itself to the rear-end of all of the brave souls. Some of us cool kids call it Low Beach because we all love hanging out here so much! Even in the middle of winter, you can see students bundled up here together, chatting, eating, hugging… but I’m sure they’re in the same pod and it’s not like COVID cases are bad in NY or anything so it’s fine, let’s just keep going!

If you are in the mood for a snack, head over to the student favorite independently owned business, Hungarian Pastry shop! Here at Columbia, we love supporting small businesses near campus! Please, take a break, grab a coffee, patronize the store. If you don’t, how can you remind your friends from home of how fun and quirky going to school in the Big City with all of those artist types is?

Ok, now that all our Californians have a hot drink in their hands, let’s make our way to my favorite place: the Columbia bookstore. Sometimes, I like to wander around the aisles, checking price tags, starting to cry, and then leaving before one of my Econ classmates who works here can see me. Again. But if you’re into ten dollar keychains, they make great souvenirs for a school you probably won’t get into. 

But if you’re waiting for me to take you to all the best sites the city has to offer, you’re going to have to keep waiting; unless you want to hop on the subway and increase your potential COVID exposure quota for the day, you’re looking at a LOT of walking. Get used to the bone-chilling sensation of simultaneously dripping in sweat and freezing to your core!
What do I do for fun? Here? On this campus? In this economy? Well, there’s this cool thing I tried called crying your problems away. It’s not working yet, but I bet I’ll get results soon! And when I’m not doing that, there is one thing that brings me joy. One little sliver of hope. OMG, you should totally rush, you would be perfect for it.

obligatory Insta pic via Bwog Archives