We spent $15 dollars on seven (7!!!) kinds of cheap, mostly shitty chocolate so you don’t make our same mistakes.

(Disclaimer: we did purposefully choose some of the more questionable candies because we thought it would be funny. We deeply regretted that choice when we actually had to consume said candy.) 

Bwog recognizes February 15th as a holiday rather than the nationally accepted V*lentine’s Day that the rest of the United States celebrates the day before. On February 14th you get sad and lonely and on February 15th you get deeply discounted chocolate (and free therapy, apparently). Here are our findings.

Brach’s Conversation Hearts

Of course, you have to start it out with some conversation starters. Now, these chalk mints with barely legible V*lentine’s card greetings should not be classified as a food, in these reviewers’ opinions. They were somehow at once stale and chewy in the worst possible way. We have never tried hard drugs, but we imagine this is what a hard drug would taste like (can you ingest a hard drug? We were sheltered as children). 

These “conversation starters” took a deep toll on our bodies. After one reviewer swallowed a heart that told her to smile more, we started to devolve. Slowly our life stories started pouring out of us and we revealed our deepest secrets. These “candies” were $0.50 of icebreakers and jawbreakers that filled us with regret. 

Price: $0.50
Score: 3/10

Dove Dark Chocolate

Next we decided to be BOLD with a favorite pick, a palate cleanser, if you will: Dove dark chocolate truth or dare. These dark chocolates were disappointing because they had crispy bits(?) inside and we felt betrayed by the obstacle between our taste buds and dark chocolate. We picked each other’s chocolates as if we were picking tarot cards and used the corresponding truths and dares as an excuse to make strange decisions, including screaming across the Furnald tent at strangers who could not even hear us over their AirPods.

Price: $3
Score: 5/10

Reese’s Peanut Butter Heart-Shaped-Mounds

These heart-shaped mounds were sad. They tasted like Reese’s, felt like Reese’s, but were shaped like third grader’s doodles around a rejected love poem. At this point, without any water to clear our throats, we were beginning to regret our choices. And possibly miss fruits and vegetables. Still, this Reese’s was like any other Reese’s in taste and we were grateful for some consistency in an otherwise chaotic project.  

Price: $1.15
Score: 5.5/10

Standard Variety Bag

We were deeply afraid of the two generic store brand boxes of candy and decided to play it safe for our next pick with some pink M&M’s, Milky Way, and Twix. They did not taste particularly different from non-V*lentine’s Day varieties of these chocolate staples, but the pink M&M’s did cause us to question what the cartoon personality of this new shade of M&M might be in the MMCU (M&M Cinematic Universe).

Price: $3
Score: 6/10

The Stuff of Nightmares!!!

Next, we ate trash. No, I mean it. It was horrific. We are combining 5&6 because the experience of Duane Reade (Elmer’s, according to the box?) chocolate boxes actually made us want to cry. This chocolate was Elmer’s brand, and if you told us that the glue company made it, we would believe you. Life is a box of chocolates, disgusting and sadistic. What we do for our dear readers. We hope you appreciate us. The caramel stuck our mouths closed and orange cream made us re-evaluate the merits of celibacy. (Side note: One reviewer had consumed a quarter of a bottle of $10 vodka that weekend; it didn’t make them feel sick in the slightest. One bite of this chocolate, however, almost made them vomit.)

Price: $1.50 for the medium size, $1 for the small size for a total of $2.50 (+ a lifetime of regret).
Score: -3/10

Ferrero Rocher

At this point, we were regretting most things. We had brought each other through identity crises, played Jeopardy music, and made personal discoveries. It was time for dessert. Bullying our troubled stomachs just once more, we each had one of those Ferrero Rocher balls. Maybe price does matter because though this was by far the most expensive item, it was the only candy that made the evening worth it. That’s the kind of gross we are talking about here. These chocolates were good and fine, but at this point, all we could feel was chocolate and sadness, so it was hard to differentiate the taste of this expired drugstore chocolate from all the others.

Price: $4.50
Score: 7/10

Well, we did it so now you don’t have to, but you still can. If you want, for $15 you can also regret your life choices. Small price to pay for the adventure of a lifetime. 

Final ranking (from Vomit-Inducing to Good)

  1. Elmer’s Chocolate Boxes 
  2. Brach’s Candy Hearts
  3. Dove Dark Chocolate (with crispy bits (?))
  4. Reese’s Peanut Butter Heart-Shaped-Mounds
  5. Standard Variety Bag
  6. Ferrero Rocher

Image Attribution: Love on Sale via Bwog Archives