Here are the weirdest and most memorable things we heard from the first week of classes, in our semesterly opening remarks compilation.

Jonathan Rieder, Culture in America: “I hope—I’m convinced y’all are gonna have a good semester, moving on in a crazy way. Keep on, keeping on.”

Denise Cruz, Intro to Asian American Literature: “Welcome back everyone, I have missed you so much, and I can’t wait.”

Emily Sun in Intro to Comp Lit:

• “I’m keeping fingers, toes and eyes crossed everything will be alright!”
• About Kafka’s “Metamorphosis,” “Gregor Samsa awakes to find that ‘Oh my goodness, I have little legs!'”
• “There is something so centrifugal about this time…”
• “The third text will give you a headache”
• Asks the class, “What is the most translated text in the world?” Eager first year: “Dante Alighieri’s ‘Inferno?,'” CC dude in a Barnard Lecture: “Harry Potter,” anti-cap icon: “Marx?”
  The response was UNESCO’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

George Dragomir, Calc 1: “D is a horse, and E is a salad. Only one horse can eat each salad.” 

Marko Javonovic, Intro Bio: “Whoever says Polo is out. And whoever says Marco is too. I do it military style.”

Gustavo Perez-Firmat, Survey of Latin American Literature of the 20th Century: “Man proposes, but God disposes.”

Jae Woo Lee, Advanced Programming: “Think of this class as a workout regimen.”

Stephanie McCurry, U.S. Civil War and Reconstruction: “[The South] tried that shit [secession], and lost.”

George Chauncey, US Lesbian & Gay history: “What is that haircut or pair of jeans that makes you go hmm. Maybe.” *plays gay pop anthems at the beginning of every class*

Sudhir Venkatesh, The News: The Profession of Journalism Goes Digital: “No one likes bureaucracy. Let’s just talk about shit.”

Anne van Delft, Elementary Stochastic Processes: “Random variables, like tigers, have a natural habitat.”

Brian Mailloux, Big Data With Python: “It’ll eat up all your memory and then you’re going to die.”

remarking through a megaphone via Pxhere