Guest Bwogger Emma Melnikov has the inside scoop on the shock caused by the exasperating search to find a place to sit and eat your dinner at John Jay. 

JOHN JAY DINING HALL, NYC: After awkwardly fumbling to simultaneously pull out his Columbia ID card and scroll through 500 photos to find his COVID-19 vaccine card, freshman Zlatan Diodutus Lyon IV finally stepped into the John Jay Dining Hall on Wednesday night, slides on his feet. With three-day-old Blue Java coffee and a mint he found at the bottom of his bag being the only contents in his stomach, he zeroed in on the kill: Wilma’s Grill. Our protagonist trekked through perilously slippery floors waxed in cherry Coke and ice, violent winds raging from the East, and powered through the thick smell of reheated clam chowder. Eyewitness reports claim to have seen angels descend from the heavens as the plate of shrimp tacos with mango salsa and a massive glob of sour cream at long last touched his fingers. 

Here, my dear readers, is where our hero’s success crashes and burns harder than the 2019 Cats film. With sweet and savory victory in his hands, he stared out into a dining hall more crowded than the Friday night 1 train before 14th street. But nonetheless, the brave freshman plunged into the jungle. He scoured for an empty chair, later recounting how several students harnessed the tears of the weak and hungry to speed walk to the nearest butt-less seat. “Absolute savages. There was no mercy in their eyes. They must’ve learned how to do that in Gen-Chem,” Zlatan told our local reporters, shaking like a cicada in a bright orange shock blanket. “I’m lucky to be alive.”

Zlatan continued to inform us that when asked if the seat next to them was empty, a group of girls with plates cleared in front of them scoffed and threw a piece of panko-crusted salmon at him. “They didn’t even look up from their phones!” he cried.

Starting to give up after being hissed at by a group sitting on a window ledge, Zlatan stumbled upon a man squatting in a corner aggressively waving him over while hurriedly spooning mouthfuls of chia seed pudding into his mouth. “He told me he’d been there for over an hour and a half and handed me a message scrawled in ketchup on a napkin asking me to join the uprising against the greedy seat-bourgeoisie,” Zlatan said. “Then he screamed a quote from The Iliad into the corner as he shoved his entire hand into his pudding and reached up crying to the gods. Great guy though, we’re grabbing coffee on Sunday.”

Students from all over Columbia have reported deeply troubling encounters with the lack of seating in John Jay Dining Hall similar to Zlatan. Some have even claimed to suffer from intense muscle fatigue, darting eye syndrome, and in severe cases, death (spiritual of course). We strongly urge readers to consider getting their dinner during “off-peak hours,” even if eating dinner at 4 pm makes you prone to other elderly tendencies like calling people “whippersnappers” and texting with one finger. More to come on this developing story. 

The Johnathan Jay Hall via Bwog Archives