Roar, beast, roar. 

For those among us who self-define as “hustlers,” “alphas,” “swag lords,” and/or “girlbosses,” the temporary reversion of our education from in-person to Zoom represents not a tragedy, but an opportunity. Indeed, remote learning affords us the possibility to assert dominance in ways that differ from our usual dominance-assertion activities during IRL classes.

Everyone in my sociology seminar has seen me walk into class 30 minutes late, tilt all the way back in my chair, cough loudly during others’ participation efforts, and knock back three iced lattes in 30 minutes. But they had yet to see how Zoom would bring out my most dominant attributes.

In the spirit of generosity, I’m providing some instructional tidbits about how to assert dominance on Zoom. 

  1. Remain unmuted for the entire time, and eat a bag of chips while the professor is talking. 
  2. Have someone continuously enter your camera frame carrying a stack of papers and urgently gesturing to get your attention. Wave them away with a look of frustration/irritation. Everyone will be impressed at how busy and in-demand you are.
  3. Have a dual monitor and be in another Zoom meeting at the same time.
  4. If you have to screen-share something, “accidentally” open the window to reveal your Facebook Messenger, ideally filled with unanswered DMs from attractive people begging for your attention. 
  5. Send private messages to the professor responding to their every point by engaging in “reactive listening”. Ex: They say “This event happened in 1932.” You respond with, “Hi prof, I understand that this event happened in 1932. I hear you.” This impressive participation strategy will be sure to boggle and wow the professor. 
  6. Similarly, treat every lecture like it’s just a class presentation that the professor is giving to you. At the end give them feedback, pointers, and a grade. Be sure to include the phrase “I expected more from you,” and shake your head with disdain.
  7. Rename yourself on Zoom to something awe-inspiring, like “The Beast” or “Roaring Lion.” 
  8. Run out of the room with speed at random moments, and come back in with a confident stride as if nothing happened. 
  9. Change your background to a photo of you succeeding at something (winning an Olympic medal, for example). Photoshop is okay. 
  10. Pay three students to respond to every comment you make in class, congratulating you for how insightful you are, and how you’ve completely altered their understanding of the topic. Take this to the next level by only speaking once each class, and giving a bonus to the employee who makes you sound the best.

Dominate away, friends!

Dominant AF lion via Bwarchives