It’s been 107 days since Red (Taylor’s Version) has been released, and we’re still hearing about Taylor Swift. If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that there is no escaping the Sw*fties on campus. 

Now, before the Barnumbia Sw*fties enter the comment section saying things like “this is why we can’t have nice things,” the authors would like to know why the obsession is as prevalent as it is. Taylor Swift has somehow become the symbol of being a student here and, frankly, that is not representative of the entire student body. Since we can’t stop it, here’s a guide on how to survive the Swiftie-fication of Columbia and Barnard if you don’t identify as one.

Taylor Scenarios:

  • Taylor has a new song/album so your ears are assaulted whenever you’re on College Walk
    • Put your headphones in and listen to literally anything else. If you’re feeling particularly snarky, ask them what they’re playing and immediately ask them to turn it off.
  • You’re at a party and all that’s playing is Taylor
    • If you can’t personally connect to the speaker, leave. How is this party music? You’re all crying right now.
  • You just met your roommate and they’re giving you an in-depth analysis of all of Taylor’s boyfriends and why they didn’t deserve her
    • Call the RA on Duty for a mediation and revoke your signature from the suitemate agreement.
  • You’re rushing a sorority and the first question is what is your favorite Taylor era
    • “The 2009 VMAs.” If they don’t like your answer, then maybe this isn’t the right fit.
  • Your instructor for your U Writing: Readings in Film & Performing Arts casually knows Taylor and invites her to a class
    • Use your one unexcused absence that day and spend that time convincing your Music Hum teacher to get Kanye to come to your Music Hum section.
  • You’ve finally found a CPS therapist that gets you and their advice for dealing with imposter syndrome is to listen to “Shake it Off”
    • Listen to “I Am a God” instead.
  • The NSOP theme for 2022 is “Ready For It”
    • Play Jay-Z’s verse from “Empire State of Mind” and ask people why they think Taylor stole his flow from eight years prior.

Now we know that Barnumbia Sw*fties will somehow manage to force her presence into your lives in a million other ways so here’s our last piece of advice for any scenario not included in this survival guide:

P.S. to all the Bwoggers who don’t know who the authors are and didn’t know that this was coming, we still love you. Please, just improve your music taste.

Throwing Tomatoes at Taylor via Bwog Staff