Bold, Beautiful, Balaclava.

I like looking good but I also like wearing college merch because of the societal conditioning and the seemingly corporate appropriation of the college experience. But when I go into the bookstore, there are always the same few sweatshirts. I want more—so much more. Here are just a few options.

Why Not Be Y2k?

  • Velour Tracksuit that says Columbia University on the chest and “In the City of New York” on the ass.
  • Alternatively a velour tracksuit with Barnard on the tits and of Columbia University on the ass.
  • Millie’s crop top!
  • Barnard Babe/Bimbo bedazzled baby tee.
  • Baby tee with cartoon farm animals on it and “Barnyard” in bubble letters on top. must have cowboy boots on it.

Sales Can Be Sexy!

  • (Slutty) Roaree and Millie Halloween costumes.
  • UTS lingerie.
  • Bikini Deantini Wall Calendar .
  • Sheer Barnard “B” or Columbia “C” tights (imagine the Gucci tights but Barnumbia).
  • Roaree fursuit.
  • Bring back the thongs bedazzled with “Barnard” in rhinestones, and let the rest of the undergrad schools have their own versions too.
    • Bedazzled Columbia boxers.

For All Kinds of Your Relationship Needs!

  • Barnard Step-Dad hat.
  • Barnard BF/GF/SO hats.
  • Barnard lesbian shirts.
  • “Property of a Barnard student” on the ass of some sweatpants.
  • The Millie Barnard tape design but on condoms.
  • Make a Barnard DILF hat and this campus will never be the same.
    • Barnard MILF too!
  • SEAS #1 fan merch line. Sweatshirts and pants and t-shirts.

Trendy Thingz!

  • Barnard Balaclava.
    • “Bold, Beautiful, Balaclava” stitched on the front of a balaclava
  • A boat captain’s hat that says “Barnumbia” or “Cumnard.”
  • Loafers with a gold “BC” on the front.

Useful Things!

  • A set of Barnard barber tools for when you cut your bangs at 3:00 am in the floor bathroom.
  • Barnard reusable drinking straws.
  • Prezbei-nder.
  • Vitamin D Tablets.
  • Masks that have Roaree or Millie’s Face.
  • Big B and C pool floaties for the fountains.

Design Diversity!

  • Columbia sweatshirts that say Barnard in parentheses underneath.
  • Merch with the Columbia College Crown (please, it’s so aesthetically pleasing why is it always the more modern crown).
  • Clothes with the shield embroidered.
  • Cumnard or Barnumbia or FUCC.
  • Matilda the Harlem Goat Merch Line
    • ~~~!
  • “I survived the core curriculum and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”
  •  Knit sweater with a Crown or a C (for when you want to be a true Connecticut prepster.)
    • Or a B for Barnard!
  • Use the university seal!

And If All Else Fails:

  • Just affordable sweatshirts.

New Merch Rendering Base via Flickr