AKA how to be brought up at dinner that night.

Admissions tours have returned, in force, to in-person. You can hardly go a day without seeing a massive clump of students—led by a chipper URC member—talking about the core in front of Butler, Freshman dorms in front of Furnald, or “24-hour dining” (still waiting for that one!). Instead of viewing them as a traffic inducing college walk roadblock, view them as an audience for the following behavior:

For the Barnard Babes:

  • Talk really loud about Barnard.
  • Cut your bangs in public.
  • Discuss your love for Millie in full detail. Leave no piece of fur untouched—that chocolate fur, that sapphire blue. 
  • Honestly, Barnard people just do your regular thing like show up in the full Euphoria fantasy. 

For the Absurd:

  • Get milk from the dining hall and drink it in a clear plastic cup outside when you know the tour is in progress. 
  • Wear and style a green wig without any shame (this is a personal experience).
  • When they call Furnald the quiet dorm, get everyone in the building to open their window and yell. Think of it as a primal scream except louder.
  • Fall face down and don’t get up. Lay face down on the college walk. Make the group walk around you.
  • Introduce yourself to the tour group as Prezbo. 
  • Obscene PDA like…make this sloppy.

For the Academics:

  • Yelling “I hate this school!!!!”
  • Read a book while walking
  • Decry life, audibly
  • Talk about how badly you are failing a class
  • Utilize an immensely vast vocabulary within the diction of your articulation. Use obnoxiously large words.
  • Walk around with a full stack of LitHum books, like full on Belle from Beauty and the Beast. If you want to be theatrical drop them

For the Indie:

  • Listen to music out loud. bonus points for something manic-pixie like “I Know The End” or some shit
  • Performance art on campus. The more high brow the better.
  • Spoil the wordle.
  • Mention how you don’t even go to Columbia University. Like you actually go somewhere they Probably haven’t heard of You’re just here at Columbia because you were curious. Oh, where do I actually go? Columbia College.

Dean (icon?) Marinaccio about to mail acceptance Letters from the largest admissions class ever because your quirky behavior struck a chord and motivated students to apply via Bwarchives