Bwog presents the never-before-seen Mario Kart-Columbia crossover that you never knew you needed, recently unearthed from the lost annals of history!

As an eager young Bwog writer looking to earn my chops, this week I accepted a research assignment in the Butler Stacks, tasked with scouring them day and night in search of lost documents and hidden secrets. I’ve spent three full days now in the Stacks, surviving only on the box of Cheerios I brought in my tote bag, and overpriced sandwiches and yogurts I’ve stolen from the Butler Blue Java by crawling through the vents at 3:00 AM when they’re closed. I’m writing this now from the depths of the Stacks. Am I on the twelfth floor? The fifth floor? Who knows at this point. I haven’t tasted fresh air or spoken to another human being in days, but all that time I could sense that I was close to a breakthrough.

Finally, after seventy-two straight hours of sifting through ancient scrolls, decoding lost ciphers, and fucking around with mysterious, mystical artifacts, I finally found something. Located in a hidden trapdoor, under a layer of dust and weird crumbs, I found an old wooden crate. I brushed away the cobwebs clinging to the termite-bitten crate to find that the lid was locked, so I used my trusty standard-issue Bwog-commissioned crowbar to pry it open. Once I loosened it from its hinges, it sprang open, revealing a single, clean white sheet of paper inside. I reached into the crate and gingerly picked up the sheet of paper.

Quickly scanning the ancient document, I couldn’t believe my eyes. A press release, dating all the way back to 2010! Under a heading written in Japanese was a photo, grainy from age, but still in vivid color. I squinted to look at the photo—was that former Nintendo president Satoru Iwata, shaking hands with Columbia University President Lee Bollinger? I continued reading, and came to realize, with shock and wonder, that this was an announcement by Nintendo of the development of a new Mario Kart Wii expansion pack, with 32 all-new racing tracks, all of them taking place across Columbia, Barnard, and Morningside Heights!

A long-lost Mario Kart Wii DLC, available for $25 Dining Dollars! How had I never heard of this? Looking closer, I realized that the press release was only a draft—something that had been issued to a select few business insiders, perhaps, but never released to the public. The project was scrapped, I presume. This must be something that very few people had ever laid eyes upon, something that never saw the light of day, for whatever reasons. My exile in Butler had been worthwhile!

As a faithful scholar and archivist of history, I’ve reproduced all the information I was able to find on this lost expansion pack. Here follows a list of the 32 new tracks:


  • PrezBowser’s Castle
  • Valentini Valley
  • Butler Lawn Loop
  • Lerner Ramp Road


  • Milstein Main Street
  • Hewitt Hills
  • Diana Dunes
  • The Milbank steps


  • SIPA Stadium
  • Pupin Parkway
  • Dodge Dodge Desert
  • Havemeyer Highway


  • Furnald Forest
  • Carlton Arms Canyon
  • Wallach-Hartley Waterfalls
  • Carman Coliseum


  • Butler Stacks Tracks
  • Rare Book & Manuscript Library Raceway
  • Low Library Loop
  • Penis Fountain Plaza


  • East Asian Expressway
  • Science & Engineering Savanna
  • Lehman Lake
  • Avery Arena


  • Chef Mike’s Circuit
  • John Jay Junction
  • Ferris Farms
  • JJ’s Grease Pit


  • Morningside Motorway
  • Riverside Park Rumble
  • Manhattanville Maze
  • Van Cortlandt Park / 242 Street — South Ferry 1 Train

beach via Bwarchives