Things are not quite the same.
When I left in the spring, Barnumbia’s campuses were much different. The tooth wasn’t greased. There were no crop circles. PresBei was here to stay. The campus rats weren’t so abundant. And I didn’t see a single lantern fly. Coming back this fall, however, Barnumbia felt like an entirely different world. Things have changed. In the words of a great philosopher, “Something shifted. Shits about to get real weird.”
This can’t be explained by the mere passage of time. So I will ignore every rational and simple explanation for these changes and posit my own conspiracy: we have timeline-hopped. We have completely changed timelines and are now living in alternate Barnumbia. All of these subtle tweaks aren’t just coincidences. Here are some of the changes I have noticed, and I hope I can convince you that we are living in very different times.
In this timeline:
- There is an abundance of finance bros.
- I swear there weren’t many last year. Now, I live in fear of every class text being compared to American economic policy. I also live in fear of khaki shorts. No hate to the finance bros, though.
- There are sophomores in Hartley and Wallach.
- Last year seemed to start off a new trend of Hartley and Wallach as first year dorms. Now, it seems, the timeline is acting anachronistically.
- JJ’s milkshakes are nonexistent.
- I haven’t been able to get my hands on a single milkshake this year. I don’t care if you have. I already told you I’m not being rational.
- JJ’s banana smoothie is nonexistent.
- Much like the milkshake mystery, the Banana smoothies are now…mango?
- JJ’s honey mustard is nonexistent.
- WHERE IS THE HONEY MUSTARD? HOW can I eat my dino nuggets without it?
- Lantern flies live and die on this campus as an omen of the upcoming apocalypse.
- I didn’t see a single lantern fly last year, and they have somehow taken over in this timeline. They also choose to die in this timeline. Please don’t do that on my path to class, though. Keep it classy.
- There is a cafe in Avery.
- I didn’t expect this. Of course, I welcome a cafe in my favorite library, but it’s an interesting addition in this new timeline.
- PrezBo is…kind of hot?
- I just can’t explain it but he has developed this smolder…and he’d agree that it’s my First Amendment right to say this!
- And lastly…Alma is smaller than before.
- I don’t have evidence for this, but she is. I’m starting the controversy here.
Despite these changes, a few things remain the same:
- People still hate on Barnumbia as a term.
- It’s perfect. There is really nothing to hate.
- The Pupin elevators are still scary.
- I wouldn’t be shocked if they were the portals to this timeline.
- The Butler Breeze is still in action.
- If this went away, I would know that we are truly in the worst times. There is still hope, though.
- And lastly…Chef Mike’s reigns supreme.
- Have you made your weekly Chef Mike’s visit? You should, like, today.
I can only hope this post has made you more aware of these changes. I’m not sure if I even want to leave this lantern fly corpse-infested timeline, honestly. This is all I’ve ever wanted out of a campus.
Columbia Hottie via Bwog Archives