Those rectangular soy squares have hit this campus deeper than you think. Guest Writer Maya Reisner is here to unearth the new addiction taking over Barnard. 

A crowd of nervous first-years walk into the dining hall, staring curiously at the buffet in the middle of the Hewitt seating area when they spot it. They wait their turn in line, only reaching the mysterious white block as they near the end, their plates already full with heaps of pasta and chicken. Those who dare stack it on top; most others, unaware of how this seemingly small decision will impact them, move on to grab a beverage. Yes, I am referring to the infamous Hewitt tofu, perhaps the most multifaceted and complex food option on the entirety of Barnumbia’s campus. At its core, the tofu always tastes the same. Despite the dining staff’s best efforts to make tofu scrumptious, it still tastes like a foamy rectangle of nothingness accented by the occasional grill mark. And yet, I have heard from various sources that they cannot resist the urge to pick up the tongs and place the tofu on their plate. We, as a society, dedicate ample time to questions about other addictions (nicotine, cocaine, alcoholism, etc.), so, I thought, why not dedicate the time to one which has been secretly ravaging Barnumbia. To help me answer my questions, I brought in a tofu addict who has graciously agreed to anonymously share the tofu truth with all of our readers today.

Before I could even ask a question, our source began rambling in awe about the tofu. 

“You can’t describe it (the tofu), that’s what makes it so good. You don’t know what it is or what the fuck is in it. It truly has an air of mystery that gives it that addictive quality, once you have it…I can’t even describe it. There’s no going back. The texture is disgusting but intriguing, and that’s what makes me want to go back for more.”

Bwogger: When and why did you first pick up the tofu?

Anon.: I first grabbed the tofu because I was a nervous freshman during NSOP and was scared to go to the kosher line alone. The pasta looked unappetizing and I can’t eat non-kosher meat, so I picked up the tofu and I just haven’t stopped since.”

Bwogger: Do you ever feel judged for your love of tofu?

Anon.: Yes, extremely. Literally even the Ferris dining hall guy judged me getting a tofu sandwich (the tofu at Hewitt is better, by the way). People always comment on how gross it is, but I guess just not everyone can understand. 

Bwog: Does your addiction to Hewitt tofu ever make you feel alone?

Anon.: I don’t know…I don’t think so. I found that there is an understanding that there is an underground community who also appreciates the tofu. While I get judged often, every now and then I find another tofu lover and feel seen. That makes all the struggle worthwhile. 

Bwog: How should we combat this newfound tofu addiction? Should we?

Anon.: I don’t think we should. I like the tofu and I am not ready to part ways with it. It’s not like I’m addicted to drugs or anything…it’s not gonna kill me, it’s tofu. 

This article is dedicated to all of you secret Hewitt Dining Hall tofu lovers out there. I see you, I hear you, I love you. Keep eating your soy bricks. 

Tofu in the Wild via Guest Writer Maya Reisner