Guest Writer Kirsten Trevino shares a foolproof guide to never having an awkward interaction during those first few weeks on campus.

We were all there once: doe-eyed, naive first-years recently admitted into the incoming freshman class. After opening your acceptance letter and getting flooded with instant relief, you rushed to join your class Instagram page to find your future roommates, bridesmaids, and maybe even your new side piece. Like many, you responded and commented on every post including any common hobbies and interests, completely ignoring the future awkwardness of meeting your new class in person. 

If you’re like me, during the first week on campus you were met with lots of new faces but also many seemingly familiar ones from those late nights of insta-stalking the ‘26 page. Unsure of what to make of these parasocial relationships, an uncomfortable wave of panic struck. Do I need to introduce myself to these people or do they already know me? Are we friends? Did our little back-and-forth in the comment section of someone’s post count as flirting?

Fear not, fellow first-year, for I have come up with five easy steps to guaranteeing you never have to engage with these partial strangers ever again.

Step 1: Hide behind your mask. Not only will you avoid that awkward conversation of “do I know you?” with your former internet bestie, but you will also be a true champion of public health.

Step 2: Smile and nod. Are you nodding at them because you know them? Because you’re a polite person? They’ll never know. 

Step 3: If you are the unlucky soul who runs into said internet bestie on campus, perform in what I like to call the “Mary Poppins paradox”: rifle through the endless pits of the free Barnard tote bag you got during NSOP, looking for your fallen ID (if you can’t tell, this is a real daily occurrence for me).

Step 4: Anti-stalk. Find out their exact location at all times of day—study spots, meal routines, class schedule—in order to avoid all these spots on campus. 

Step 5: Stay in your dorm at all times. Do homework at your cramped desk, watch the latest Elvis movie through your family’s stolen HBO Max account, and eat the growing collection of Lay’s Chips you got with your Diana meal swipe. DO NOT LEAVE.

You talking to your internet bestie via Bwarchives