Lactose-intolerant readers, New Daily Editor Sophie Conrad is here for you. Take note.
Let’s set the scene.
It’s a Wednesday, midday, right after your 11:40 class. You’re hungry. You swipe into Ferris. You wait in line for a grilled cheese sandwich. The line is so long you’ve almost forgotten what you’re there for, as the vegan line zips by next to you. Finally, you get your sandwich and shuffle back to get the tomato bisque. That’s when you see it. The small refrigerator by the coffee station, filled with cartons of soy milk and oat milk. You remember the empty carton of oat milk in your suite kitchen, balancing on top of the tiny garbage can, and your milk-less coffee for the past three days.
Suddenly, you’ve got an idea. There’s plenty of oat milk in that fridge (we all know only Barnard students drink oat milk). Why so many containers of milk? Surely they won’t all be used by the end of the day. Your thievery could be hailed as sustainability, who knows?
But the risks involved are too great. Will you be scorned by fellow Ferris diners? Will you be able to fit the entire carton in your tote? Can you contain your glee as you walk out of Lerner? Or worse yet, will you be stopped, and asked to swipe again for your endeavors? Is it worth the risk: losing one of your precious 75 meals a semester?
But think of the reward! Perhaps you could be the breadwinner for the suite. Perhaps you wouldn’t have to get catcalled in front of Morton Williams as you scavenge for groceries again! You think back to move-in when you and your suitemates bought the same three cartons of oat milk. What luxury you lived in then!
You could create a distraction, a diversion, so you can take the milk undetected. You could accuse someone of stealing the salt and pepper shakers—but throwing someone else under the bus? You couldn’t. You could sabotage the drink dispensers, but that might cause an actual riot. What if you created a PrezBo dummy out of coffee cups? No, not enough time!
It’s decided. It’s time to make your move, no distractions. You stroll up to the fridge, casually, so as not to raise suspicion. In one swift motion, you open the fridge, swipe the oat milk, and deposit it into your tote. You dash to your seat. Oat milk is secured. You can enjoy your grilled cheese in peace.
We’re paying tuition anyway; oat milk is definitely included.
Oat-y Oat Milk via Bwog Illustration
@Anonymous so true