If you aren’t content living inside of a furnace, perhaps these tips and tricks for capitalizing on your ridiculously hot dorm will make these first few weeks back on campus a bit more bearable.

While moving back into Columbia housing is unequivocally the most super-mega-awesome-fun experience anyone could ever hope to have, there is one teenie problem: the dorm rooms are hot. Like, hot as the Devil’s dickhole and twice as uncomfortable to sleep inside of. Sure, you could always get AC (like a quitter), but wouldn’t it be more fun to leverage your awful situation for personal gain?

You know what they say: “When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your neighbor’s eyes and sell them overpriced eye drops!”

With that in mind, let’s take a look at Bwog’s official tips for turning your dorm room into someone else’s dorm doom to alleviate your dorm gloom.

  1. Get rich scalping football tickets.
    • Are there easier ways to get rich? Yes. Are there more fun ways to get rich? Absolutely not. Just check out these easy steps!
      1. Invite the entire football team to this “cool new sauna” you just discovered. 
      2. Take them up to your dorm.
      3. Lock them inside.
      4. Don’t let them out until they each give you season passes to their games.
      5. Sell the passes for two dollars each. (You can probably ask for more if they win literally a single game this year, but don’t hold your breath.)
  2. Become a five-star seafood chef.
    • Chef Mike better watch the heck out after you learn how to use this method to cook the perfect seafood dinner.
      1. Kidnap your suitemate’s pet lobster. (Alternatively, you can kidnap a lobster from Westside Market but those buggers are notoriously pinchy.)
      2. Stick the lobster in a glass of room temperature water.
      3. Watch it slowly boil.
      4. Enjoy!
  3. Finally fulfill your lifelong dream of becoming a water balloon assassin. 
    • We’ve all been there. I know it seems impossible. But hitting people with balloons full of liquid is only four simple steps away!
      1. Fill up a pack of water balloons with the sweat dripping off of your face. (If you can’t afford water balloons, use the free condoms on the fifth floor of Lerner.)
      2. Drop your sweat balloons (or sweat condoms) out the window onto unsuspecting pedestrians on College Walk.
      3. Repeat until discovered.
      4. Blame your roommate.
  4. Inherit the Walt Disney Company.
    • This is probably the simplest of the list, so only go for this one if you’re too stupid or lazy to pull off any of the others.
      1. Break into Walt Disney World® Resort.
      2. Locate the top secret Disney Family Fun and Magical Memory Maker Dreamatorium Wonder Emporium! cryogenic freezer.
      3. Steal Walt Disney’s head.
      4. Leave him in your dorm room for precisely three hours and 18 minutes.
      5. When he awakens, threaten to post pictures of him drinking a butterbeer at Universal Studio’s Harry Potter World unless he signs over full ownership of the company to you.
      6. Keep him as your new BFF.
  5. Melt.
    • Just lie down. And melt.

Demonstration of Sweat via Bwarchives.