Some say don’t play with your food, but Bwog says blow ‘em away with flavored condoms.

Health centers on campus promote safe sex by providing free condoms to University students, some even coming in various intriguing flavors. At Bwog, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to taste and rate these condoms so that you know exactly what you’re getting into (or, rather, what’s getting into you).

The condoms come in Banana Split, Chocolate Covered-Strawberry, Mint Chocolate, and Island Punch. Below are notes on their flavors, presentation, and taste. 

Chocolate-Covered Strawberry

  • Very fragrant 
  • Smells like perfume that would’ve been marketed by Paramore circa 2006
    • Alternatively, scratch-n-sniff stickers your piano teacher would give you after your lesson (specifically strawberry shortcake)
  • Doesn’t smell totally unlike strawberries but just tastes like latex
  • What I imagine the inside of Roaree’s fursuit to smell like if he wore perfume

Mint Chocolate 

  • Smells like a liminal space 
    • Those random closets attached to classrooms with props, wardrobes, and puppets (?) from old plays inside of them
    • Bathrooms on a road trip 
    • Some intangible childhood memory
  • Admittedly smells (vaguely) of mint chocolate gum 
  • Reminds me of a car salesman

Island Punch 

  • Was hoping it would be alcohol-infused. Was not. 
  • Smells like:
    • A middle aged woman’s bathroom
    • A very clean carpet
    • Fluoride at the dentist you got as a child
    • What any wealthy white woman smells like after getting her hair done
    • All Vitamin Water flavors combined 
    • Trident Layers gum (specifically the blueberry-lemon flavor)
  • Again, just tastes like rubber 

Banana Split 

  • Much appreciated double innuendo 
  • Smells exactly like those banana Runts candies
  • Vibrant yellow color (turn-off?)
  • Smells like banana Laffy Taffy 
  • Almost zero taste but there is a hint of hamburger gummy 

Overall, despite the interesting flavor combinations, the taste of the condoms let us down. The smells were intense, and mostly on-par with what the flavor names suggested, but the flavors were nearly indetectable. None of the condoms tasted bad per se, but they definitely didn’t blow us away. 

We were, however, impressed by the tasteful packaging: each had vivid colors and delightfully suggestive images. For example, the Chocolate Covered Strawberry-flavored condoms depicted a close-up of a very seductive looking berry, half naked and half dripping in chocolate. Very sexy indeed.

Some other notes:

  • Very lubricated. Fantastic chapstick substitute. 
  • The condoms only come in one size, but are obviously very elastic. (Shut up, it fits.)
  • Would definitely be Willy Wonka’s choice of protection (a.k.a. how Willy’s willy would get wonky).
  • Each condom smells like what Chiclets taste like. 

Seeing as none of the flavors got us too excited, we decided to come up with some of our own:

  • Boston cream pie
  • Dry rub
  • Pigs in a blanket
  • Sloppy joe
  • Kumquat
  • Pulled pork
  • Falafel gyro (BYOWS: Bring Your Own White Sauce)
  • Iced chai with almond milk (best as vaginal dam)
  • Soy matcha latte
  • Vanilla bean 
  • Roasted chestnuts 
  • Clam chowder 
  • Cookies and cream
  • Arnold Palmer
  • NYC subway 
  • Faculty House mac n’ cheese
  • Koronet’s meat deluxe
  • Piña colada 
  • Ferris’s Very Berry Salad 
  • Ferris’s Cotton Candy Cheesecake 
  • Sour Patch Kids 
  • Takis
  • Funfetti
  • Chef Mike’s subs
  • Maple creemee
  • Lobster roll 
  • Kielbasa
  • Horseradish 
  • Pickle
  • Sausage
  • Avocado
  • Apple cider 
  • Pumpkin spice 
  • Gingerbread 
  • Candy cane
  • Eggnog
  • Stuffing 
  • Cereal milk 
  • Wasabi and ginger 
  • Everything bagel
  • Tossed salad
  • Grape

In addition, we came up with some other ways to spice up one’s time in the bedroom, whilst staying protected:

  • Glow-in-the-dark condoms
  • CBD infused dental dams
  • Spermicide that doubles as a Covid booster 
  • Psilocybin infused condoms
  • Lip pumping condoms/dental dams
  • Lollipop attachment to cervical cap (just for fun) 
  • Vitamin D condoms
  • Carbonated dental dams
  • Spermicide made with melatonin 
  • Cough syrup-lubricated dental dam
  • Holy water-lubricated condoms
  • A condom or dental dam that works like those fruit roll-ups that left a temporary imprint on your tongue and made you, an eight year old, feel Extremely Cool

Condom Illustration via Bwog Illustration