750 feet of what?

Yesterday afternoon Barnard held its annual Big Sub event, known for its iconic 750-foot-long sub sandwich that snakes through the entirety of Barnard’s campus. Walking through campus as the event was being set up, I couldn’t help but be a little disturbed by the sheer amount of deli meat, mayonnaise, and shredded lettuce around me. How many pounds of canned tuna line these tables? How long have they been here? Are there currently more slices of tomato than students that go to this college? Most importantly, why a sub sandwich, and why 750 feet of it?

This is my petition to change Big Sub to Big Literally Anything Else. Why have 750 feet of sandwich when you could have 750 of literally anything else instead? Proposed replacements include:

  • 750 feet of hair from the Barnard Quad showers
  • 750 feet of even more Schermerhorn Extension!
  • 750 feet of the original scroll The Iliad was written on
  • 750 foot-long noodle, eaten Lady and the Tramp-style
  • 750 feet of candy necklace, where everyone chomps down at once
  • 750 feet of dental floss #hygiene
  • 750 feet of Diana pizza line (aka just a Tuesday at noon)
  • 750 feet of Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, hold the Nixon
  • 750 feet of condom (see above)
  • 750 feet of trampoline
  • 750 feet of CULPA reviews
  • 750 feet of the pages of reading I have to do for my thesis this week
  • 750 feet of just one really long snake
  • 750 feet of 2021 Hewitt green smoothies
  • 750 feet of Slim Jim. The Slimmest of Jims.
  • 750 feet of Barnard students waiting for their IDs at 2am on a Sunday in EC
  • 750 feet of my parents’ disappointment
  • 750 feet of gum underneath library tables
  • 750 feet of feet
  • Weecha but 750 foot long
  • 750 feet of Solitude
  • $750 750 Footlong

Big ??? via Bwog Staff