We’ve done this work for far too long for far too little.

Earlier this month, Elon Musk bought Twitter. Twitter hell broke loose. And that got our senses tingling. Trust and safety teams disbanded, community guidelines shattered, oligarchy reigned supreme. Hm. We kinda liked the sound of that. 

And then came the inevitable chaos of Black Friday and Cyber Monday. So many 30% off appliances. So many BOGO packs of Hanes men’s undershirts. We watched the country fold under the consumerist weight of America’s darkest holiday. We watched our aunts purchase air fryers and then immediately realize they have no idea how to operate them. We ate shitty air-fried chicken cutlets. We ruminated. 

And we’ve decided that it’s time for Bwog to rebrand. We’re done being your community-centric, girl-next-door student news organization. We’re sick of transparency. We’re sick of ethical journalism practices. We’re entering our Dirty Capitalist Era. We are Elon. We’re going to Mars, everyone. 

There are going to be some major changes around here. And we’re not sorry about any of them. 

Change Number One: A Paywall

That’s right. It’ll be $14.99 just to open the Bwog.com site. We take most major credit cards and PayPal. If you spend too long (more than 15 seconds) hovering over the paywall without forking it over, the price rises to $24.99. Capitalism rewards decisive action. 

Change Number Two: Subscriber Fees 

Oh, you thought you were done with the paywall? What’s next, you want free healthcare? You’ll get free healthcare on Mars. And you’ll get free Bwog articles in your dreams. Our prices are just and logical—$7.99 per month. We also sell a six-month package for $155.99 or a year-long package for $499.99. This grants access to our entire archive except articles listed under Cooking With Bwog, PeopleHop, or Events, which can be purchased at an additional fee. 

Change Number Three: We’ve Acquired Spec and Fed 

Nothing like a little healthy competition between Columbia student news outlets, right? Pssh. Bwog believes that competition is the backbone of the free market except when we’re the ones competing. Then it’s the root of all evil. On an unrelated note, we’re happy to announce the launch of our new sister organizations: Bwectator and Bwederalist. 

Change Number Four: Our New Office 

We used to cram into Lerner 510 for our weekly meetings. We sat in a rented room among the awkwardly oriented furniture. God, the indignity rankled. But no longer! Bwog will officially occupy the entirety of Alfred J. Lerner Hall. It’s literally all for Bwog. Apologies to anyone who liked to eat at Ferris, study in the Piano lounge, or generally spend any time at all in Lerner. Starting now, access to the building will be limited to current staff members of Bwog, Bwectator, and Bwederalist. 

Change Number Five: We’re Turning Off Our Comments

Go shout into someone else’s void. We’re over the voice of the people. 

Change Number Six: Update to Paywall Prices

Hey! While you were reading this article, we’ve had to raise our paywall price to $34.99 to reflect the current state of the American economy. We’ve always prided ourselves on accessibility, but times have been tough and unfortunately, we’ve had to make some hard decisions as a multi-billion-dollar college news organization. We hope you understand that this adjustment will allow us to continue producing quality journalism and pay for our spring break Cabo staffer extravaganza, which is important for team morale. 

It’s a bitter truth: journalism is a dying art. And sure, maybe our new policies are contributing to this miserable death, but hey. At least we’ll have enough money to throw a snazzy funeral. And go to Mars. 

Dirty capitalist bwogger via Bwog Staff