I’ll save you the trouble: watching Gladiator is a more worthwhile two hours and 35 minutes than any Beta party.

This weekend I made a Mistake— 
I watched my friends pregame 
But chose not to participate— 
I don’t do shots, I’m afraid—

I arrived at Beta shaking 
From the wind and the cold—
Like someone driven quite crazy 
By the idea that 
You look hotter with Bare Shoulders—
Yet ‘twas 30 degrees—

We were greeted by a parade 
Of Sexy Sexy Men
How do I know they were Sexy—
Because they told me So

They told me with their Forlorn eyes—
Humbled by the dress code 
Of togas—poorly fashioned Vice—
Who made you choose this road?—
We’re not in Ancient Rome—
That’s not Sexy, it is a Robe—

Male Nip Slips are not the right Move 
For a December night
Or any night really—or Day—
Or any time ever—

Alas—the Beta men were proud 
Of their Decision to 
Wear Bedsheets and preserve frat clout—
Must be why they would choose
To only allow Verified
Beta Affiliates 
To enter through the door

My friend is skilled at Coercion
So we entered despite 
Not being on the frat Listserv
Or Scroll or whatever—
Given we are in Ancient Rome 
If Rome smells like spilled Beer—

We were immediately whisked away—
The Eternal City—
Vines taped to the walls—such display—
Gladiator playing
On the TV—something much more 
Interesting than literally 
Anything else at that party—
Save me!—Joaquin Phoenix—

Down on our luck—there was no sound
On the frat house TV 
So I was lost in the Rank crowd
Of “I Love Hot Moms” shirts—
Do you see a single Mother 
At this party?—I don’t—
So I beg you—find another
Hot Roman wannabe— 
Maybe your Classics professor?—
I’m sure they’d Love the shirt—
Or maybe even Your Own mom—
You read Oedipus—right?—
Oh—I forgot you probably
Just Sparknoted LitHum—

Suddenly—I had a silly 
Thought—I Imagined the 
Frat Brothers setting up for the
Night’s Party—were they Proud?—
Did they work hard to lay their Tape
Like Romans laying Brick—
Except harder because Beta 
Men can’t reach the Ceiling—
For they are Short—poor dudes!—

Then—as if it could not get worse—
I went to the Basement—
Empty save for the Beta Curse 
Of pompous men displayed 
On a stage—a Stage!—is this Glee?—
Why are they performing?—
Who is this dancing for?—Not Rome—
Certainly not—Unless—
Is but the Ides of March—I suppose—
Et tu, Brute—a Bro?—

Sadly—I knew Gladiator
Still could not entertain
Me—for I was Sober and Bored—
So I left the party—
Swearing a solemn Sacred Oath—
O Beta—O ye bros—
Never again—Never again—
O Brutus, how I Hope—

Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator on Beta TV via Bwog Staff