It’s really the only thing I eat.

I believe that I, single-handedly, eat more pasta from John Jay than any other student on this campus.

I know, I know, that is a big claim. But I truly eat it so much. I probably average more than five servings per week, if I were to guess. Last week I ate it for four meals in a row. I eat it so much that it is a recurring joke among friends; it’s a part of my identity, my reputation. If there’s someone out there eating more John Jay pasta than me, I worry about their health.

I have a hypothesis: the reason why no one else is eating this much pasta is because John Jay does not provide instructions on how to assemble your plate. There are steps involved! What goes first? The sauce? The pasta? What the fuck do I do with that cheese? It’s all so confusing.

Never fear. I’ll use my expertise to go step-by-step so you never feel lost again in that John Jay line. No more bureaucratic gatekeeping between you and the good stuff.

Step one: Noodles

The noodles go first, dumbfuck!! Sorry, sorry. This was meant to be judgement-free, educational experience. I just do not understand how you all could be messing this up.

Step two: Sauce

The sauce goes on the plate. Not on the floor, and especially not on your head. I know it is tempting, but do not use the John Jay pasta sauce as hair conditioner. I did this once and got really weird stares. It was humiliating!

Step three: Meatball

Do not! Put! More than one meatball! If you must, go for three—two meatballs will look like testicles, and you do not want to look like a pervert in John Jay Dining Hall!

Step four: NO CHEESE!!!!!!

If you put cheese, everyone will know.


I hope this introduction to John Jay pasta, though cursory, will be helpful to aspiring pasta freaks. Above all else, remember: visualize what pasta looks like and replicate that. If you follow this one rule, you cannot fuck it up too egregiously.

Pasta Creation Photos via Bwog Staff