And you thought journalists didn’t write about hearsay.

One of the joys of living on a busy campus is all the things you overhear. When you’re strolling from class to class, or studying on Butler’s talking floor, or sitting down between friend groups at a dining hall, you’re bound to hear some random, entertaining, or highly concerning out-of-context snippets of the many, many conversations happening all around you at any given time.

Most of the time, you tune it out. You have your own conversations, after all, and your own thoughts to worry about. Until someone starts talking about that time some guy fixed their shirt with a spoon and then asked them for an internship at JP Morgan?? Some things are just impossible to ignore.

In the spirit of shameless eavesdropping, please enjoy this collection of totally out-of-context bits of pieces that Bwog staffers have picked up around campus.

We’ve overheard life advice…

  • “Never get a second mortgage.”
  • “Yup, still you, brother, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
  • “For donations we accept cash, credit, etc. We do not accept NFTs because they aren’t real.”
  • “Hewitt is the lesbian dining hall.”

Continued class discussions… 

  • “Bible quote of the day: the weak only eat vegetables.”
  • “My English class has peaked: we just compared Jesus to the Platonic form of a table.”
  • “Maybe it’s not misogynistic…. maybe it’s BDSM.”
  • “This IS illegal so we’re still not really using our critical thinking skills.”
  • “I hate when the answer is zero and I circle it and it looks like a boob.”

Cries of frustration… 

  • “How do I do this? I wish I had more skills.”
  • “I swear he’s a literal Dorito.”
  • “Who stepped on my shoe?”
  • “I’m sorry don’t blow me up!”
  • “Every time I think about Henry VIII, man, I lose my mind.”

Important medical conversations:

  • “I was in a psych ward but ok.”
  • “I have to make my IUD appointment but I don’t want to.”
  • “Aw I love eye appointments! They’re so fun!”

Deep personal reflections… 

  • “My stomach feels minty fresh!”
  • “Sorry, I was thinking about existence.”

And crucial conversations… 

  • “What was the civil war over?” —“Land.”
  • “That time I was drunk in a bathroom and some guy fixed my shirt with a spoon… and then asked if he could get an internship through me at JP Morgan.” —“Of COURSE he would do that.”
  • “Who is Elizabeth Warren?” —“She has glasses and short hair.”
  • “What got the US involved in WWII?” —“The bombing of Hiroshima.”
  • Professor calls on a student —Student: “Sorry, prof, I’m registering for a class right now. Given me a sec, I’m figuring things out.”

John Jay Convos via Columbia Dining