The ephemeral Low Library sits in the middle of Columbia’s campus, hosting the famous steps where we congregate late at night. I, to date, have never actually seen someone enter Low Library, so I asked the Bwog Staff to assist me in contemplating what really happens inside.

Conspiracy One: Low Library is where Columbia hides their deepest darkest secrets.

  • The vault where my tuition goes (where is my Columbia heist)
  • Someone is breeding spotted lantern flies in there.
  • ANOTHER pool
  • Low Library is where the Amber Room is hidden.
  • Low Library is where they’ve been keeping the US News and World Report people chained in a dungeon ever since the rankings drop.
  • A lab testing Timothee Chalamet’s strain of chlamydia
  • BeReal’s headquarters
  • A factory currently creating our new Presidents
  • The Registrar lives as a large, old computer.
  • The Barnard professor hive mind—PrezBei hand feeds them Audre Lorde essays
  • Alexander Hamilton’s tomb
  • The tomb of the OG King of King’s College
  • All of our college applications
  • Low Library is actually just an enormous storage vault for the shrimp for Surf, Turf and Earth (they store them in Low year-round until the event, this is Low’s sole purpose).
  • Low Library is where Rihanna’s musical career has been for six years.
  • PrezBo&Co rave chamber

Conspiracy Two: Chef Mike.

  • Low Library is where Chef Mike hibernates.
  • Low Library is where Chef Mike chops up his Grandma for his sub sandwich.
  • Low Library is where Chef Mike hibernates.

Conspiracy Three: None of it is real.

  • You know how you build stairs in Minecraft? and how there’s usually empty space beneath each stair bc that’s just what’s easiest? What if low steps was just completely hollow underneath but Minecraft stair style?
  • Low Library is just a very complex optical illusion.
  • Deep within Low Library is the true body of Lee Bollinger that has been puppeteering the body we believe to be him or mayhaps Low Library itself is the true body. 

After hours of ponderance, I have realized that a further investigation is needed, perhaps even one that includes me entering Low Library. I will write back with updates…if I ever make it out…

Low Library concealing its secrets via Bwarchives