Down n’ dirty.

Alma Mater

She commands. She presides. But most importantly, she likes it inside. M’lady Alma pegs her chosen lover with passion, force, and minimal sweat (she is made of bronze). Also with a bright pink strap-on.

Life Force

A simple blowjob will do the job for my dear Life Force, a statue of simplicity. You cannot look me in the eyeballs and tell me that its single cavity does not imbue the feeling of suction.

The Thinker (La Penseur)

To be really really honest, I think he just wants a close, clothes-on spoon. Just like a really really deep embrace. Also relatively low sexual tension as far as cuddles go. Maybe one hand under his shirt if you’re feeling frisky. He just wants to love and be loved. 

Bellerophon Taming Pegasus

Based on the chaos alone, Bellerophon is opting for a Sixty-Nine. A carnal statue that requires both giving and receiving to enjoy, Bellerophon Taming Pegasus doesn’t care as much about mouth-to-skin contact as much as he does about angling you properly towards the baby monitor that he set up in the corner of his room before you got there. Bwog does not condone revenge porn.

Three-Way Piece, No. 1: Points

Going solely off the name, it’s gotta be the Eiffel Tower. It’s one giant game of finance bro twister that nobody wins!

 Tightrope Walker

Would it be uncouth to say that this… is the position? The trust required for these two in the bedroom is unmatched. They faintly remind me of a yoga couple that live on Maui and eat only papaya. No protein whatsoever just mango, downward dog, and zero penetration whatsoever.


Missionary. Legs up? One leg up? One leg up feels the curliest. Also, missionary but very little eye contact so there’s just like a lot of neck action. Probably socks on. Definitely socks on. In summation, it’s missionary with someone that you probably aren’t close enough to be doing missionary with.

Reclining Figure

The Reclining Figure is an A-1 setup for cowgirl. Significant stability and highly symmetrical. Unfortunately lacking in traction, but I suppose one could use like those grippy socks from trampoline parks?

The Great God Pan

My man Pan likes to feel like he’s in control when he absolutely is not. He’s pushing for reverse cowgirl, but then the lucky lady is forced to stare at his hooves while she binds souls with the God of Shepharding.

Le Marteleur (The Hammersmith)

The Hammersmith is simply waiting to evaluate your arch in Doggy Style. He wants you to know that he’s in control even though you had to sexile your roommate to see him, you took the free flavored condoms from Barnard, and, let’s be honest, you aren’t the one coming in this situation.

Spirit of the Greek Games

Spirit is a woman of class. Of power. Thus, she wants to be tied up with 60ft of industrial rope and zip-ties and spit on.

If you kinkshame under my Bwog post I’ll be sad.

Images via Columbia University