An objective assessment of various groups of three at Columbia.

After spending some time back on campus, I found myself repeatedly thinking “what are the things around here that I would want to have a spectacular, toe-curling night with? What are the things around here that I want to marry in a crunchy, barefoot wedding in a mossy North Carolina forest? And what are the things around here that I think should die?” After pensively considering these options, I’ve provided the objective and factual consideration for Bwog reader edification:

Columbia College, SEAS, General Studies:

Fuck: General Studies

With nontraditional paths come unique skills and with unique skills come earth-shattering experiences.

Marry: SEAS

I want financial security and an engineer can give me that. 

Kill: Columiba College

Your latest LitHum reading is neither good pillow talk nor good vows, despite what you might think.

Morningside Heights, CUIMC, Manhattanville:

Fuck: Morningside Heights

It’s classic with a lovely mix of brick and patinated copper roofs. Of the three campuses in New York City, it’s by far the nicest to be in and look at.

Marry: CUIMC

I want financial security and a doctor can give me that. 

Kill: Manhattanville

One thousand times over. Raze this campus to the ground. On top of problematic plans, it’s also ugly—so ugly.

Furnald, Wallach, Hartley:

Fuck: Hartley

The dorm hasn’t been renovated in a hot second. It has sterile, cold, white lighting; a confusing mix of faux wood, vinyl, and carpet floors; and a struggling reputation. I just know the dick is good.

Marry: Furnald

Furnald residents are quiet—demure. They’re academics. They probably study hard or are tortured artists or both. All of these are good in a spouse but the biggest draw is that I feel like a Furnald resident would worship me if we got married. It might be because they were never expecting to get into a relationship in the first place but then I happened and now they’re whipped. I crave that kind of attention.

Kill: Wallach

There is not a single unique feature about Wallach except the gaming lounge. And we have too many gamers in the world, anyway.

Agamemnon, The Libation Bearers, The Eumenides:

Fuck: The Eumenides
The first courtroom drama. Who doesn’t love a fight between mortals, the furies, and the gods? It’s an exciting play that gets me excited.

Marry: Agamemnon

First, I recognize the irony; the play that epitomizes infidelity and matricide is the one I pick for marriage. But Agamemnon is so rich in motifs that I don’t think I’d ever get bored. And in all honestly, I think Clytemnestra had a point!

Kill: The Libation Bearers

I really don’t know how to explain these except I really don’t remember anything that happened in The Libation Bearers except that I highlighted it in orange. Sorry. Forgettable is cause enough for execution in these games.

Riverside Church, St. John The Divine, St. Paul’s Chapel:

Fuck: The Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine

I am not a size queen but I have to take note of the vast and incredible size of the church. It’s the sixth largest in the world—c’mon. The Gothic Revival architecture is spectacular and the stained glass is divine. Call me Saint Teresa because I’ll be in ecstasy.

Marry: St. Paul’s Chapel

I have an image in my head where I get married here to a college sweetheart. I’m struck by the Byzantine-style interior. It truly feels like a beautiful space where you could also focus on the people. It’s both spacious and compact when compared to the other buildings on campus. It’s perfect as a sign of lifelong love.

Kill: Riverside Church.

Honestly, I just don’t really know where to enter. As a church, it truly just exists and that’s it for me. It has a beautiful steeple though, wish it wasn’t under scaffolding.

Central Park, Morningside Park, Riverside Park:

Fuck: Riverside Park

There’s something about Riverside that has a passion to it. Maybe it’s the ability to enjoy sunsets on the Hudson or the way it hugs the western coast of Manhattan or its colonnade-esque design. There are more secluded paths and open paths too. I can carry of sense of misdirection despite knowing exactly where I am.

Marry: Morningside Park

Watching the sunrise over Morningside Park is a life-changing experience. It’s quiet—Morningside Heights doesn’t wake up until 10:00 am. So you’ll be alone or with a special person watching the sun rise above Harlem. The colors radiate out from the horizon if you stand on the stairs or you could get lost within the tree canopy. Regardless, the park is intimate and a place of growth. I think that’s perfect for a marriage.

Kill: Central Park

Honestly, just too far.

Ferris Booth Commons, John Jay, JJ’s Place:

Fuck: JJ’s Place.

All the grease? Call that our sweat.

Marry: John Jay

Probably the most versatile dining hall. There’s a sense of community in John Jay, from the fight to get a seat to the seats and tables themselves. The wood detailing is a nice and elegant touch, something I look for in a marriage partner.

Kill: Ferris Booth Commons

Always packed and has a mid menu. So my resolution? Destruction. Kill Ferris. Kill Ferris, keep killing Ferris, kill Ferris again and again.

Locke, Hobbes, Rousseau:

Fuck: Hobbes

A man who can write Leviathan surely has one himself. He can be sovereign and I’ll be the consenting majority. Despite avoiding a state of nature, we’ll surely engage in some actions like it. But while Hobbes may be a good lay, he’d be a stubborn lifelong partner.

Marry: Locke

Of the three political philosophers, Locke provides the healthiest view of compromise and growth without being a complete weirdo of a  human being. Moreover, like a state going into a constitutional convention when things don’t work, we can talk about issues and resolve them together.

Kill: Rousseau

Rousseau is just a weird person. His philosophies make a few great points but the man is just incredibly screwed up. He’s a weird weirdo. No thanks.

Achilles, Odysseus, Aeneas:

Fuck: Achilles

He has so much anger in his system. I can help.

Marry: Odysseus

There has to be a reason Penelope remained faithful for so many years. Also, I want him on the regular. Marriage ensures that. 

Kill: Aeneas

He’s so boring. Aeneas could not be interesting for the life of him so kill him; Dido deserved better.

Book Culture on Broadway, Book Culture on 112th, Columbia Bookstore:

Fuck: Book Culture on Broadway

I just think it’d be a fun one-night stand. They’d be kind and we’d laugh and it would be ephemeral. We’d stay good friends, I think.

Marry: Book Culture on 112th

Book Culture on 112th is my safe space. That two-story bookstore is so nice to be in; the books are good, the trinkets are interesting, and the staff is kind. And I adore the core box sets. I am loyal to this Book Culture for one and for always.

Kill: Columbia Bookstore

Overpriced, bad merch selections, without windows, cramped, and never have the books I need. 

Morton Williams, Westside Market, H Mart:

Fuck: Morton Williams

I think Morton Williams might seem like the arrogant one of the three but that’s because they have the skills to back it up. Right next to campus, Morton Williams has everything you need during a late-night snack run or truly in general day-to-day life. They get me. They know the buttons to push.

Marry: H Mart

H Mart, my beloved. What delectable drinks you possess and the fantastic food you feed me! What fresh fruit and sensational snacks! What a lovely climate! My life is better with you in it. My life is better when I am with you. My life is your life. I love you.

Kill: Westside Market

I can’t remember a time I’ve really sought out Westside Market. Sure, it exists but it’s just awkwardly placed and with a layout that’s a little less intuitive than the others. I do enjoy passing the outdoor fruit though, I’ll miss that.

Joe’s Pulitzer, Joe’s NoCo, Joe’s Dodge:

Fuck: Joe’s Pulitzer

Joe’s in Pulitzer has an edge. From the concrete floor to the hidden speak-easy nature of being tucked between Furnald and Pulitzer hall, Joe’s Pulitzer has a grit that would make for a fantastic night together. And maybe I’ll be their muse if they share the same writing skills as their namesake.

Marry: Joe’s NoCo

The view, god, the view. Joe’s NoCo has this amazing corner view of the Union Theologian Seminary and the intersection of 120th and Broadway. I feel like I can just watch the world pass by and gaze out. Alternatively, the marble detailing is elegant. It just feels classy.

Kill: Joe’s Dodge

I’ll start with a positive and that’s the fact that the chairs in Joe’s Dodge are comfortable. All that being said, the coffee place is just really awkwardly located. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten anything here. It feels like the space could use some interest that it does not get, so now it feels weird. There was stiff competition.

World Bubble with the largest words as “Oral Sex” via Bwarchives