While bittersweet, sometimes some things are just not meant to be. Don’t know how to tell your roommates you don’t want to live with them again next year? Bwog has you covered.

It’s February, which means that our favorite season is almost here. And no, it’s not Spring Break (Sigh). What I really mean is, housing registration season is just around the corner! Fun! I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for all those bonding conversations that will definitely make all my friendships stronger than they already are.

However, one has to admit that things can get hard when you have no other option but to break it out to your roommates that you really can’t (read: don’t want to) room with them for another year. The ocean of possibilities to tell your roommates this news — especially when they have been casually dropping comments like “What dorm should we choose?” — is endless. Here at Bwog, we only want the best for you. So, here are some of our favorite ways you can hint to your roommates that your journey together is over because, as much as you don’t want to, the time has come to finally part ways.

  • Tell them you got your palms read/went to a numerologist/looked at your birth chart or something like that and it spelled Trouble for the next year.
  • Tell them the almighty astrology gods have told you that your signs are not compatible and bad things can happen if you share the same roof again.
  • “My mom says I can’t live with you,” and, as we all know, mom always has the last word.
  • Just don’t tell them and register for another housing group. See how long it takes before they notice. If your roommate/suitemates are gullible enough, then you can play it off as a mistake that you’re forced to go through with.  
  • Tell them you went to the doctor and were diagnosed with this very contagious and very unknown disease that they wouldn’t know about but need to be protected from. You care for their well-being, first and foremost <3
  • Hook up with one of them!
  • Tell them you’re taking a gap year. Note — you will have to deal with the consequences of this one next fall. 
  • Tell them you’re doing CARDS housing (or actually do CARDS housing and tell them later).
  • Suggest that you “might consider” studying abroad for a semester, so rooming with you would not be worth it.
  • Ask in the snarkiest voice possible, “Do you not have other friends besides me?” Make them think.
  • Ghost them until it’s past the due date. Screw ‘em over.

Alternatively, if you want to escape the blame of being the one to make the decision, become the worst possible roommate and make them hate living with you so much that they don’t want to be roommates anyways. You can do this by:

  • Don’t shower for multiple days to weeks to smell up the room.
  • Don’t do laundry and leave your clothes everywhere for them to deal with.
  • Leave food crumbs all over the room (this one is great on carpets).
  • Invite people over to the room every night.
  • Talk obnoxiously loud on the phone at late times every night.
  • Make up a significant other to pretend to be on daily phone calls with and scream very loudly every time, “I HOPE MY ROOMMATE IS VERY OK WITH US HAVING VERY LOUD SEX EVERY DAY NEXT YEAR”.
  • Use their clothes and personal items, maybe “accidentally” break one for extra umph. 
  • Walk around naked.
  • Leave legos and puzzles on the floor.
  • Put a spoon in the microwave.
  • Steal their phone charger without asking and pretending you don’t know who took it when confronted.
  • Sing loudly and often, especially early in the mornings and late at nights.

Want to avoid doing all of this? Simple: don’t get close to your roommate. Accept the ephemerality of nine months as nothing more than cohabitation without qualification. There is neither assumption nor requirement of renewal, perhaps just the recognition of shallow talk when you bump into one another over the course of the next few years.

Roommates via Bwarchives