Columbia is the best school ever.
- Buy one of those huge-ass speakers. Blast “We Are the Champions” walking through campus.
- Go to Columbia Hardware. Buy a hammer. Smash the penis fountains.
- Take a train up to Cornell. Get into a screaming match with someone.
- Write a Spec Op-Ed.
- Collect all your old lit-hum books. Throw them in the Hudson. Watch them sink.
- Scream at New Jersey.
- Go to New Jersey.
- Find a rat. Make it your pet. Crochet it a little Columbia T-shirt.
- Start a cult.
- Squeeze into the Hamilton elevators with 12 people. Start jumping at the exact same time.
- Join an A Cappella group. Quit an A Cappella group.
- Forgive Thaddeus.
Rats and Other Jazz via Tal Bloom