Columbia is the best school ever.

  1. Buy one of those huge-ass speakers. Blast “We Are the Champions” walking through campus.
  2. Go to Columbia Hardware. Buy a hammer. Smash the penis fountains.
  3. Take a train up to Cornell. Get into a screaming match with someone.
  4. Write a Spec Op-Ed. 
  5. Collect all your old lit-hum books. Throw them in the Hudson. Watch them sink.
  6. Scream at New Jersey.
  7. Go to New Jersey.
  8. Find a rat. Make it your pet. Crochet it a little Columbia T-shirt.
  9. Start a cult.
  10. Squeeze into the Hamilton elevators with 12 people. Start jumping at the exact same time.
  11. Join an A Cappella group. Quit an A Cappella group.
  12. Forgive Thaddeus.

Rats and Other Jazz via Tal Bloom